WHAT WAS HIS NAME????

anybody remember the cartoons from saturday mornings with the sheepdog and the coyote...i think they were warner brothers...they always used the same sheepdog...and actually they just used wile e. coyote for the coyote...
anyway...in the cartoon i'm thinking of the coyote and the sheepdog both arrive at the field where the sheep are pasturing and they both are carrying lunch pails and as they arrive they greet each other..."mornin' ralph" "morning sam"...except i don't think the other guy was called sam...and i' can't remember which one was ralph...and then they clock in at some old fashioned clock punch thingy and do their thing (ie. the sheepdog guards and the coyote tries to steal the sheep...)...hilarity and hijinks and mayhem ensue...and then they punch out "evenin' ralph" "evening sam"...
well that's what i think of when i get on and off the subway at don mills station (yes the whole other end of the sheppard line...)...i imagine myself greeting my fellow travellers the exact same way..."morning ralph" "morning paul"..."see ya ralph" "evening paul"...it's not like i know them or anything...just fellow travellers...ya know...? how do you get to know those people?
probably i'm under a lot of stress...underslept...too much time to think on ttc...
"morning ralph" ... "evening paul"...

in other news..."fortress of solitude"

i'm reading "fortress of solitude" by jonathan lethem...about a white kid growing up in black brooklyn in the 70's...really good...also not too much with the plot...but really good...background politics and race relations and pop culture are very cool too...
my favourite part so far...page 109...[and for michelle - the best friend is biracial...]
"It was entirely possible that one song could destroy your life. Yes, musical doom could fall on a lone human form and crush it like a bug. The song, that song, was sent from somewhere else to find you, to pick the scab of your whole existence. The song was you personal shitty fate, manisfest as a throb fo pop floating out of radios everywhere.
At the very least the song was the soundtrack to your destruction, the theme. Your days reduced to a montage cut to its cowbell beat, inexorable doubled bass line and raunch vocal, a sort of chanted sneer, surrounded by groans of pleasure. The stutter and blurt of what -- a tuba? french horn? Rhythm guitar and trumpet, pitched to mockery. The singer might as well have held a gun to your head. How could it have been allowed to happen, how could it have been allowed on the radio? That song ought to be illegal. It wasn't racist -- you'll never sort that one out, don't even start -- so much as anti-you.
Yes they were dancing, and singing, and movin' to the groovin, and just when it hit me, somebody turned around and shouted -
Every time your sneakers hit the street, teh end of that summer, somebody was hurling it at your head, that song...
...September 7, 1976, the week Dylan Ebdus began seventh grade in the main building on Court Street and Butler, Wild Cherry's "Play That Funky Music" was the top song on the rhythm and blues charts. Fourteen days later it topped Billboard's pop charts. Your misery's anthem, number one song in the nation.
Sing it through gritted teeth: WHITE BOY!
Lay down the boogie and play that funky music 'til you die."

from "the fortress of solitude" by jonathan lethem.



...i read about this book while reading "polysyllabic spree" by nick hornby...

...and then a chihuahua tried to eat my new boots right off my feet!

where did it all go wrong?
see today...again...i was really stressing out...really working everything i had...to make our sales goal...in the retail establishment that i am now (for the past month or so) basically assistant manager of (different title. same job)...like i was helping my staff to help themselves help more customers...like i got some kinda belief...where am i?...who am i?...how did i get here?...
...this is the kinda thinking that comes from too much time on transit coming home from Willowdale(!?)...and too long waiting for the king car...mofo...and the thinking...(!?)...SIGH(!!)...
...and it's winter...and some stupid chihuahua who lives on the laneway came out to try to defend his territory from me (!?)...barking and growling...and trying to bite my feet inside my new boots (and these boots really are my feet away from feet i tell you what...) all the way down the laneway!!! da fock?!...
i used to be in a band! (admittedly we weren't very good...and things got dicey when we went all fleetwood mac [by "we" i mean jen and murray...]...and then when jen left the band we weren't very pretty either...)...i used to have street cred! (at least i'm pretty sure i did...)...i wore doc martens and had jeans with holes in them and long hair and then short hair!...i don't care if i'm making any sense!...maybe now you feel guilty about not calling me up to take me out for beers...so there...
besides my girlfriend is making nachos and she brought me a big beer from our fridge! watchugot?

fortress of solitude...that's what i'm reading...playing with metaphor...maybe metafive

tonight we're gonna put some pillows and blankets down on the floor in the living room, and watch movies...popcorn fresh from the stove top and still warm...beers...and snacks...
flickering blue lights...
like a dream of home, safety...like it already is even if the world is not exactly as we would have it be...hmmm...the idea is there...and i love sarah.

road trip...ptbo...haiku...tired...mmm, irish cream...just a blog postcard really

hey yeah so i went to peterboro last night to see gord and pete for his birthday...it was a really really nice time. those guys are great. wish i could see more of them.
i spent the drive up to ptbo composing haikus. i actually came up with this one really good one too...only all the drinking and stuff ate away that part of my brain...the first line was something like "country road, country sky"...only better and more poetic... and there was something about the possibilities between headlights...only with less syllables...6-7-6 right?...the poem evoked a sense of satisfaction and adventure in the every day, and possibilities and hopes and dreams maybe... i was working on another one on the way back into town about winter sunlight through glass being something special...i know...less ambitious but i was tired and warm...made me think of "cryptonomicon" - one of the main characters is a marine in ww2 who likes to compose haikus...and he comes up with a really good one in the first page i think...ask michelle - and adam read it last...
nice to be home now.

oh yeah i forgot to make you all jealous...except dan i guess...

so last night sarah and i went on a date to hugh's room to see the silver hearts. it was pretty awesome. many transplanted peterborions. even our waiter. it was pretty special. the room is pretty good for old folks like us who mostly want to sit down but still be able to see the show. also the show ended just before midnight - another plus for old people out on a weeknight. they were really good. played many of our favourite songs. also they had many special guests. serena ryder played and i guess i'm gonna have to rethink what i think about her music...cuz she's gotten better and written some new songs. one of her songs was this power ballad called "weak in the knees" that would make both pat benatar and aerosmith jealous. really made me wish i had a lighter i tell you. plus at the end of it just as it faded out sarah said pretty loudly "i was just thinking how you've finally found a serena ryder song you liked..." (or words to that effect...)...just as the song was fading...she said the loud part during the quiet part...oh that sarah...i love her.
but also they had a real surprise special guest. it was kinda funny to see ron sexsmith up there with a huge band behind him, but also pretty cool. he shoulda tossed more solos to the band and stuff but it was still pretty special. and dan's right - he does have wierdly large hands - what do you call him dan?
anyway that's it for tonight. stay tuned for the trials and tribulations of a man who has become retail management...brought into the store for his problem-solving abilities...hmmm...there's a clue there methinks...

sitting here with some irish cream...many thoughts signifying nothing...or maybe everything...something in the middle

so i'm home from work. listened to tom waits all the way home - "mule variations"...maybe my favourite tom waits album...maybe...hard to say really...anyway, stepped off the streetcar onto deserted marion street...bare tree branches silhouetted against light reflected off clouds arching over the street from both sides, and yellow streetlights glowing into falling snow. here's me feeling meditative.
actually the song "come on up to the house" was playing as i walked along marion. i had the volume up pretty high cuz it's such a gorgeous album - the recording is just awesome...the most beautiful sounds captured and with headphones you can even hear the room in such a sweet way...
...here's me feeling more meditative. that song is somehow really important to me. "well the moon is broken and the sky is cracked, you gotta come on up to the house/the only thing that you can see is all that you lack you gotta come on up to the house..." "...there's nothing in the world that you can do, you gotta come on up to the house/you been whipped by the forces that are inside you, you gotta come on up to the house". it's that little oasis kinda place, something i've always looked for/hoped for...adam's family has played this role at different times in my life, showing me that families can work...be good things...be good homes...and lotsa friends have shown me all kinds of gentle generosities with their couches and tables and living rooms and sometimes other rooms too...but i've always imagined that when i grow up i'd make my home into that place too...as much as i could. my friends should always have a place to come to or go to in my house. family too i guess although that's got some hard sharp edges. i've always wanted that, and it's always been very important to me to be able to offer that. i've even imagined a future where our children's friends know that our house is safe. sarah says her house was like that growing up. not so much my house. wasn't even so safe for us really. maybe that goes toward why i feel so much about having/offering that. maybe it says something too about seeing clearly to a place or time when that can be real...something about how i'm in a good place with sarah. (she wants to have a basement so our strays plus me and the kids don't overrun the place...smart woman...) i guess it's my best idea about how to make a difference in the world...make the world a better place - realistically speaking making the world better usually happens in small ways...sometimes our responses are all we have...our local variety store got robbed last year, and all i could think to do was to introduce myself and find out the names of the guys who worked in the store...a response...one of the only times i was really proud of my dad was when i was in my early teens and the neighbours - the desmarais's - were having it out bigtime. steve desmarais's dad was really laying into him - we could hear every word...it was city housing, a duplex with us on one side and them on the other. he was saying really awful things to steve, who was also one of my friends, and making threats...well when steve came outside, scared and crying my dad brought him into our house. made me proud. never mind the hypocrisy of all the times the desmarais's heard my dad yelling the same kinds of things at me...anyway...life is complicated huh? someday, that's what my house is gonna be. and our kids will know too that if their friends are in something bad that our house is a good place. their friends will know it too i hope...all my people gotta know about our house.
wow maybe i should be drunker...

the other day i was riding the subway home and i saw this dad and little son sitting together reading the wish book, which is sears christmas catalogue...well i'd forgotten about the wish book. it was a big deal when i was a kid. the day it arrived...we'd all sit down with it, me and my siblings, and that was when we really made our christmas lists. it had a whole section of "gifts under x dollars"(different amounts on each spread) starting at ten dollars, and we'd look a little harder for the cheap gifts cuz even as kids we had some ideas about how money and christmas went together, but we'd look at everything in that catalogue. basically it was a book of dreams...and hopefully some would come true...dreaming was so nice we'd even come back to the wish book every couple of days, hoping to find something we'd missed. i don't know if those folks on the subway used the wish book the same way as the wehrle kids did, or if it meant any of the same things...i'd just forgotten about the wish book for a long time...christmas is complicated...

picture this...i'm standing on the west bound platform of the yonge subway line at yonge and bloor station...late rush hour, so not super busy but still lotsa people...tears slipping silently down my cheeks, actually dropping onto my jacket cuz i'm finishing one of the better books i've read in a while...some sadness, some courage...i was finishing "shadow of the wind" by jose ruiz zafon. stephen king has a quote on the cover describing it as "one gorgeous read". good description really. also had great quotes - "love is like pork..."something about a nice tenderloin and bologna being part of it...genius. it's set in barcelona between the 1920's and 50's. really interesting historical period too. world war, government overthrow, fascism... throw in a mysterious book and a love story and some tragedies...some of you might be getting a copy of this book as a christmas present....

also before that i was reading "a fine balance" by rohinton mistry. probably one of the best books i've ever read. it was the first time i was actually afraid to finish a book cuz i knew it was gonna break my heart. but i did. and it did.

now i'm reading "the wisdom of crowds". it's really interesting actually. about the idea that a diverse group of people will come up with a better solution than any single expert, even if the group is not made of experts or even particularly knowledgeable people....the author, james surowiecki, uses some pretty amazing examples - like the 800 folks who guessed the weight of a prize bull after butchering and the average of their guesses was only off by one pound - none of the guesses were closer....or the stock market after the challenger shuttle disaster - immediately after the challenger exploded, the stock market responded by selling off stocks of the four companies involved in the shuttle...what's surprising is that the company stocks that suffered the worst (by far) was for the company that would be found culpable 6 months later. no explanation could be found for this phenomenon, and many were investigated. kinda spooky really.

so we got our computer back. and tonight i was in the mood to talk. so here's my blog updated after so long that michelle resorted to typing echoes at me...hmm...kinda funny that one. but now i've run out of steam...and irish cream. i'm gonna go sleep. glad to be back.

...almost a month huh...?

well here's the deal...i got a promotion and transfer to another store in the indigo-chapters-coles chain. i'm now the assistant manager of a coles store at fairview mall...and my work hours are very different...and not so regular...and then my computer died...

currently (anxiously) awaiting the return of said computer, better than ever, so that i can attempt to get back to blogging...among other things...

miss you all in cyberspace...

so i played ball again last night...much better than 0 for 6 shooting by yours truly...
actually i shot an awesome percentage - lay-ups...short jumpers...mid-range shots...even a couple from downtown... didn't hurt that we were playing 3 on 3 for almost 2 hours. very fun times. 3 0n 3 is mostly about offence cuz there's so much room on the floor so there's lotsa glory to go around if you can pass and knock down shots...like i did
it was so low key and so much fun and such a good run too. the passing was excellent. some very steve nash moments...nba highlight reel passes and finishes and plays...for 2 pretty solid hours...

in other news...
we both had so much fun at jeff and kendra's wedding. very nice setting. nice ceremony. good food. lotsa drinks. met some really great new people and had so much fun with everybody we knew too...(we're all very proud of alex for getting up in front of everybody to sing a little elvis to make the happy couple smooch...)

now i gotta go cuz "weeds" is about to start. ("this program contains scenes of sexuality, nudity..." and mary louise parker... she's on both of our lists...ya know...where either of us can sleep with her if the opportunity should arise with no dire consequences....) bye

0 for 6

sad but true...sometimes being a defensive stopper doesn't feel real satisfying...
nobody scored while i was guarding them tonight...and i pulled down at least 6 rebounds...(second shortest guy on the court)...cuz i boxed out like a motherfucker...
but i didn't score a single point...zero field goals made on six shots...plus a couple turnovers...we lost by 9...worst loss of the season so far (and probably will stand as our worst game for the rest of the season). kinda sucky. i don't think defense actually does win games. even after tonight we're still the best defensive team in the league. unfortunately we're the worst offensive team...
just doesn't feel very satisfying to only play good defense...not to have a tangible moment to fall back on...
...and none of you are really big basketball fans either...you're gonna have to fake the sympathy...hmmm...oh well...

monday songs...stupid songs...and shit...

black monday by lowest of the low
monday monday by...somebody crappy
(tell me why) i don't like mondays by bob geldof and the boomtown rats
...i feel like i'm forgetting a few...

so it's monday...i saw a shrink this morning and the dentist this evening...then i looked for jobs in the classified section of the star and the now (it was part of an exercise with my therapist/social worker/counsellor/or something to convince me that there are opportunities out there for me that are better or at least as good as the job i got...didn't work.) not such an uplifting day...although aside from the dentist and my lack of immediate prospects for improving the quality of our lives and/or saving for our wedding i had a pretty good day today. i was good at work. very thoughtful and shit. (course i had some major motivation cuz we had media event to introduce the winners of the junior booklovers award - meaning many bosses and higher-ups around to impress...) i was working hard to look gooder. stupid customers didn't need help in any highly visible locations though. i ended up doing my best work outside of the spotlight...sigh

thank you boddington's pub ale...you never let me down...

my brain's been full of big thoughts lately...wondering about the place for god and religion in my life...remembering something worthwhile about sitting in a church...except i don't accept pope ratz(ass)inger as any part of my religion...and i don't hate anybody (...ummm...i mean that i don't hate gays or muslims or the poor...among others that i don't hate...true there are individuals that i probably hate...hmmm...)

...wondering about inviting my dad to our wedding...maybe forgiving him...?...thinking about how he probably got hit in the head too many times before his birth-father died when my dad was nine...how my nan then had to raise my 3 uncles solo until my grandpa came along...and my uncles were kinda handfuls - sorta too smart/clever like my uncles or sorta maybe damaged/socially and/or some other kind of disability or something in the case of my dad...who i haven't seen in 2 years...and whether i can invite my aunts and uncles if i don't invite my dad...probably not...

...bit of worry about my little sister who is now a single mom cuz the baby-daddy is a fuckup dumbass with no job...

...worrying about our wedding and how we'll afford it...what else i can do to make it better...to not make our decisions based on money...

...not feeling real good about my job as i near the 2 year mark...feel like i shoulda done better by now...

...feeling more certain about teacher's college...except sometimes i don't...

fuck i think i'm just over tired...didn't sleep very well last night...been busy for months really...wishing for more time to think about the wedding plans and what i want for us and christmas presents and volunteering somewhere and exploring continuing ed options and stuff like that...i may have to just take a mental health day soon...maybe after the next pay check...thank god basketball season starts real soon. i watched a preseason game sunday afternoon lying on the couch...felt real nice. more of that please. caring about basketball means less need to care about so many other things...stupid big heart... hope everybody is well...i've been thinking about all y'all too...

algonquin adventures ... continued... some things clarified

true - i did stub my toe so bad it swelled up like a couple of grapes
- i did hyper-extend my left knee (formerly known as my "good knee") while hiking back out on tuesday morning...at approximately km 2 of 7...stupid fallen leaves camouflaging the stupid hole in the ground... unless - it was a cleverly laid trap!! aha!! was it the beavers? the mice? or the chipmunks? those little bastards...country critters may not be as wiley or fearless or mangey as their city cousins but as guerilla fighters in their own element...
- also true, i no longer have those great glasses...ever see on tv or wherever when people drive off with their coffee still on the roof of the car? yeah...kinda like that...

not true - no bears...but we decided early on that if any of us needed to explain anything to anybody else's girlfriends then bears would be involved...any accidents resulting from knife-throwing...bear. anybody accidentally shot by a handmade bow and arrow...bear. any hacky sack injuries...bear.

close encounters of the bare...beer...bear kind...(dunh dunh duuhhh!!)

well...i am home now...i have showered...i have a beer in my hand...my girlfriend is nowhere to be seen...i feel i can tell this story now...as it should be told...
so we were hanging out...me and gord and pete...we'd just finished a good round of hacky sack...congratulated ourselves on previously maligned reflexes and flexibility...drinking drinks on the edge of our site, down a very short trail by the lake...shirtless...enjoying the breezes and a little "cold water therapy"...well we ran out of captain morgan's spiced rum - tastier than you think actually...so i got up to go grab another mickey...i stand up walk up the incline of shield rock and jump down off the granite into our site...so black bears are not really all that big it turns out...kinda big...like bigger than a really big dog...or a shetland pony...or a full-grown pig...well bigger than a lot of things...but not actually a whole lot bigger than me (when you see them on tv - the camera adds at least 10 pounds...)...but it's really and truly one of those situations where the whole size doesn't matter idea really holds water...so there's this bear...just shuffling a bit...about 35 feet away cuz we actually had a pretty big site...snuffling around gord's bivy sac...and i stop...i think i mighta said something pithy...like "oh..."....which got bear's attention...he...or she...(kinda hairy...hard to tell...) then turned and walked a couple steps and stood up...all the way up...i had time to wonder if bears have the same hit them in the nose thing as sharks before my legs reacted for me...only not very well...i backed right into a slight depression in the earth...i remembered it from how it messed me up in hacky sack - not that my memory was helpful...cuz stepping into that hole i hyperextended my left knee and then fell backwards (towards the bear...) and my glasses somehow fell off...and i jumped up again...stepping onto my glasses (turns out i crushed them utterly...)...which distracted me and i stubbed my toe so hard i fell down again...the good part is that all the thrashing about and screaming in pain/rage...well the bear thought i was too messed up to take on... who's the man...?

tune in later to find out which parts of this story are true...

also i had a dream that jeff and kendra are having twins...

2 nights

2 nights of basketball in a row...2 good nights...
last night was my weekly pickup gym rental night of 2 hours of ball...pretty good night too. i hit a giant 10 foot skyhook that really didn't have much business going in but it felt good coming off my fingertips so i kinda knew... even better was the finger roll...first i ever tried but it was just perfect...i catch the ball out on the arc, fake left and drive hard and fast right, leaving two defenders behind right there and taking it hard and fast to the hole...as i go up mark comes over the top for the swat but i pull it back down and stretch out and under the block to flip up the finger roll which barely even touches twine cuz it drops perfectly, straight through the net...i do all this at full speed...and paul makes the highlight reel.

tonight i got to play an extra league game...it was deadly...total nailbiter...we were up by 4 at the half, but they scrapped back and it was tied in the last minute...unfortunately we missed our last shot with 15 seconds left, and they made their last shot with 5 seconds left...sigh...it was an awesome game though...i'll exaggerrate and say that i was the anchor on our defense, calling out assignments when we got caught in transition...shutting down my man and helping and boxing out and taking the toughest matchups...i missed my only 2 shots...made some good passes...no turnovers... it was just a great game...last year we would've lost this game by 8 or more...this year it was a one point game that could've pretty easily been a victory for us...last year after the game they'd shake our hands but since they expected to win it wasn't like we made them respect us...tonight they had to...and after the game they did...good night...time for a manhattan

ps. an announcement - i'll be off camping from friday until at least tuesday night so i won't be responding to any emails. don't take it personally.

overheard yesterday at ikea, aka "it's funny cuz it's true"

"look! just tell me...HOW...TO...GET...OUT OF HERE!!!"

(somewhat irate...or at least completely frazzled, discombobulated, disgruntled, upset, frustrated...just plain losing it...guy in ikea trying to get out after following the arrows on the floor through both floors and 3/4's of the store...as he encounters an ikea employee...)

also heard:

"AHAHAH...AHHAAHHAAH...AHAAHAHAHAAAAHA...AAAAHAAAHAAAHAA...!"

(sarah's reaction...also she was crying from laughing too hard...maybe also cuz it hit a little close to home...hmmm...?

apparently truer words were never spoken...

my friend is doing something that i admire and respect and it makes me very proud

this is my friend dan's blog address.

http://solidaritynotcharity.blogspot.com

he's going to go down to the gulf coast himself to help out people affected by katrina and now hurricane rita. it makes me really worried about him. but it makes me really proud of him.

he's got a long history of work and credentials around social justice issues, and he knows what he's talking about, at least as much as anybody i've ever talked to about social justice stuff. there are some really great links on his blog, and some important information about what has happened and what is still happening down there. i urge people to check it out.
i'm tired right now, and i can't type anymore to tell you about dan and what i wish... i have a quote from "middlemarch", by george eliot, which i've never read but i should -

"i have a belief on my own and it comforts me...
that by desiring what is perfectly good, even when we don't quite know what it is and cannot do what we would, we are part of the divine power against evil - widening the skirts of light and making the struggle with darkness narrower."

i like the quote cuz it comforts me. maybe that's too easy though. there's truth there cuz sometimes we don't know and can't do, but i just wish for more - from myself, from people, from the world. i admire what dan is doing and has always done, as long as i've known him.
in this small and humble way maybe i can help...here's hope...here's a starting point...here's good wishes...here's love and pride...

at the end of the day...me and a manhattan...thoughts and shit

[warning - lots of sharing...]

so i'm sitting here in front of the computer...drinking a manhattan...kinda tired but in a good way cuz we just played some good basketball tonight...we lost but it was a close game and anyway the team that beat us was 2nd overall last season, and are just plain better...i feel good cuz we played a good game and kept it close and made them work for it...i only dove for one loose ball...that's ok too...not as young and all that...still it felt good to hit the dirt and mix it up and steal one on heart and hustle...(maybe i should change the name of this blog to heart, handbasket, hustle, highway to hell...?)...and i made two big shots tonight too...two daggers from the top of the key..."he's not a threat - don't worry about his shot" they said...eat it hot shot!...paul steps back to create space...catches and drills one right between the eyes of the defender...nuthin but net...next play...paul steps back to create space...catches and shoots to bulge the twine one more time...no back board...no iron...just nylon...swish...i think i hit one or two more shots as well, but i also made some deadly passes in traffic to cutters who dropped in easy baskets...just put the ball ever so slightly ahead of the defender...drop it right into pete's hands...and right over mark's shoulder...that's basketball. i had no turnovers tonight...another accomplishment...hit about half my shots...made good passes...really pushed the ball up the floor on offence...and of course i played tough d. i earned this manhattan...and the beer that came before it...
i've been listening to the newish springsteen album, "devils and dust". the title song is awesome. so is "long time coming". a few other ones are pretty good too. this album is no "nebraska", or "darkness on the edge of town"...probably not even a "tunnel of love" (which might be growing on me despite the fact that i don't even have it..."brilliant disguise" is pretty awesome...) there's a verse in "long time comin" that i just love...kinda almost makes me cry when i told sarah about it

"out 'neat the arms of cassiopeia
where the sword of orion sweeps
it me and you rosie, cracklin like crossed wires
and you breathin in your sleep
you breathin in your sleep

well there's just a spark of campfire burning
two kids in a sleeping bag beside
i reach neath your shirt, lay my hands across your belly
and feel another one kickin inside
i ain't gonna fuck it up this time"

even though i didn't know this song when he played it at the concert, it was still awesome. of course everybody cheered when he said "fuck" but it was more than that. it's just good guts kinda writing. fuckin a.

bunch of older springsteen is in my ipod these days too. i'm so glad he got signed or famous or whatever despite the problems with his early writing...meaning he's too wordy sometimes...but fuck that... there's so much guts there...and blood too...maybe it's kinda cliched to describe it that way, but it's almost like he made the cliche...maybe he inspired that kinda description first and then it got overused by people who were inspired by him looking for some of that for themselves...he's tricky sorta...one of the things i appreciate from the boss is how he writes about hope. it seems like he writes about hope as something to break yourself against. works for me. seems like that's "born to run" in a nutshell, but also "darkness on the edge of town". actually "born to run" reminds me of tom waits "blue valentine" more than any other album. "born to run" is the rock version of "blue valentine".

i'm looking to make changes these days. been on anti-depressants for 3 months now. it's a good band-aid. gives me space from the hopelessness that depression can throw at a person. space to look at the future. space to plan. space to worry productively. space to wonder about something better than where i came from and something even better for sarah and i ... a family and a life - not just a living... it's been helpful. going to counselling once a week too. learning more about what's going on in here. apparently post-traumatic stress disorder too...the result of having to be afraid as a child, and a teenager, of my father. lots of things have been explained that i hadn't put together. i'm working on emotional management (a lot of anger and anxiety, but i'm an emotional and passionate guy so there's more to it...). my emotions have gotten me in trouble a few times in the last 6 months or so. almost lost some things, but i'm getting another chance. (never had to worry about losing sarah cuz she's one in million, and the best thing in my life, and she's helping. god i love her...) i'm hoping to get into a mindfulness program too (uses yoga and meditation techniques to help people be more in tune, in the moment, more mindful and aware, thereby reducing stress and anxiety levels...i'll explain more as i venture down that road.)

also starting to get the ball rolling on the wedding plans. we haven't decided yet on the where, but so far we know that the ward island clubhouse is available. still gotta check on the algonquin island clubhouse/montessori school, and maybe even the sunnyside pavillion(?)... we'll see. it's almost hoping that only one will be available (the cheap one) and then we won't need to decide but we'll see.

i'm also big on this song by Old crow medecine show called "wagon wheel"

"headed down south to the land of hte pines
i been thumbin my way outta north caroline
starin up the road
pray to god i see headlights
i made it down the coast in 17 hours
pickin a bouquet of dogwood flowers
and i'm a-hopin for raleigh
i can see my baby tonight

so rock me mama like a wagon wheel
rock me mama any way you feel
hey mama rock me
rock me mama like the wind and the rain
rock me mama like a south bound train
hey mama rock me"

it's just good and easy and sad in a good way...

oh man i've been pretty emotional lately, (in an i-cry-easy kinda way...) maybe it's my man-period. leads to lots of sharing or something... sorry bout that. i actually feel ok about the world...

oh dear.... i guess i've finished my manhattan...ooooh and pat walsh was next on the playlist...

"so many visions of amazement and wonder
so many sides to this paradise
i look at you standing beneath the clouds that we're under
and say 'goddam don't you look nice'
walk with me through the parks and the playgrounds
follow me through all the buildings downtown
i wear my shoes made of broken bottles
you can live up or live it down"

gavin - i wish i coulda talked to jerome more about writing and where i find poetry these days...he asked me if i was still writing and there's always more to say to good people i guess

jen - when does your book come out? and i wish we could talk too about where to find poetry, or beauty or truth or something

anyway, it's kinda late for me on a wednesday and i played my guts out more or less on the basketball court tonight so i'm gonna crash out now. missing those who aren't close by. thinking of everyone. hoping for good things. (and no i'm not drunk or anything - i'm a happy drunk remember...)

after the highlights

congratulations to gavin and karlene who got married on saturday at the algonquin island club house on the toronto islands!
sarah and i were lucky enough to attend their wedding yesterday. it was beautiful. i arrived early to help finish with the setup. the algonquin clubhouse is set on algonquin island (it's in the middle and north of the others...) a little ways away from any of the houses there. it's set close to the water facing the city. it's a nice view in the daytime, and ridiculously spectacular at night. the building is a nice simple room with a wood floor and lots of windows that doubles as a montessori school the rest of the time. there's also a nice simple patio with a tree growing out of it and a lawn leading up to the lake. the room itself looks like it could seat 100 pretty easily, cuz it's also got a couple alcoves and a bar area, with a full kitchen and washrooms. it was great.
i've known gavin and karlene long enough to know a lot of the other guests too, so i had some really nice reunions of people i hadn't seen for a long time, and i got to meet new people too.
karlene's family is wonderful. her dad brought some award-winning guyanese rum - 12 year old eldorado - that was astonishing. great. now i have another expensive taste to try to fit into my slim wallet. it's as nice as a really fine single malt scotch just a different flavour... if anyone is travelling in the carribbean it's a standing request of mine...(btw baldwin says that the 15 year old is better but not worth the difference in price...)
anyway, everybody came over to the island around 2pm, and there was some mingling and a little drinking and meeting new people. then it was time for the ceremony. gavin and karlene started by asking their parents to stand with them, then asked a lot friends to stand up with them too and witness with them and "hold them to it". i was very honoured to be asked to stand with gavin. it was really quite special, and something i hope sarah and i can also do. their ceremony was basically just vows they'd written for themselves, and they were both eloquent and heartfelt and beautiful. gavin lost his vows and had to work from memory. (when it became evident that this was the case, those of us standing witness for him exchanged a look and a nod. we were not surprised.) there was also a justice there to do the legal minimum, and he was very tasteful and discreet and after the ceremony he disappeared without anyone noticing. we were very busy ourselves toasting enthusiastically. of course i did shed a number of tears but i too was discreet.
after the toasting there was a cricket match arranged, more or less between the west indies and the world (karlene's side vs gavins). the stakes were playfully set at rights to the last name. gavin mootoo? karlene mclachlan? but not for true. although we weren't gonna let gavin down with bragging rights still on the table... of course the rules were radically altered to accomodate us cricket initiates, and for time constraints. i got to bowl and bat. i only managed one run, but i got high marks for my bowling...everybody kept asking how i knew about cricket, but i think i've only ever seen it on tv, in highlight reels very occasionally. but i guess i have an idea of how it's supposed to look and so i imitated it. actually it felt a little fun in a cocky sorta way to be able to say "oh i saw it on tv one time..." gavin's brothers, jerome and stephane were there for him too. ian mclachlan was very fond of repeating jerome's assertion that "it's ok if gavin changes his name but not cuz we lose". funny that jerome scored a game-high 7 runs and was named man of the match... so gavin doesn't need to endure any teasing about losing his name in a cricket match.
it was tons of fun to play, and it was also a nice sorta bonding experience to Play with all these people. that's another thing sarah and i are going to include in our wedding plans - but probably slow pitch...
then it was time for dinner and more great conversations and good food and more bonding and community building...actually that's maybe the best way to describe the day, and i guess how i want to think about our wedding too, as a community building experience....
after dinner the dj was set up and got things going but, i feel bad for the guy cuz really he couldn't compete with the beautiful weather, the beautiful sunset, the beautiful view, the beautiful setting or the beautiful people getting recharged off each other. it was a really special group of people gathered together, sharing drinks, food, conversation, expressing their support and their love for gavin and karlene. community building...hmmm...
we sat outside on the grass, on the steps, on the breakwater, under the trees, under the stars and the night passed. i really wish it could've lasted forever. i felt so good there. and i didn't even get to talk to everyone either. it's kinda backwards but i guess that's a good sign. it made me feel really good about myself and my people and sarah and our relationship and stuff... those moments are too rare, and oh so special. i wish i had better words.
we were really involved in the whole thing, and it was our privilege and we were honoured to do it. i got to tell them how much i loved them and how proud i was of them and how beautiful their wedding was and how happy i was for them. anything we did was only the least we could do.

it was also an example of how the best things in life can also make you realize how short life is ... or maybe more like they show you how good things can be, and motivate you to change in that way...it was inspiring. it's something i can hold onto when my certainty slips about career change and making a life. which happens more often than i want.

anyway, i'm sure i'll have more thoughts on this subject soon. for now it's dinner time, and we're eating some of the leftovers from the wedding...

i shoulda been in bed

i know it's early-ish in the rest of the world, but that 553am alarm call kinda hurts. so i'm pooped even though it's only 1042pm. sigh...

so a couple of thoughts or whatever

"poetry's no place for a heart that's a whore..." (martha wainwright...the song is called "bloody motherfucking asshole" and it's sorta pretty...more sad than angry...sorta ballady...i'm really liking woofus' younger sister...)

i finished the book about the hot chic and the stolen diamonds and the guy and the gangsters...it was pretty good actually. just good and short and easy.

i picked up guy vanderhaegheagheaghe's "last crossing". only just started it but it looks good.

somebody at work has an advance copy of the new metric album and it totally rocks. sounds amazing. lotsa rock and guitars on it. makes me happy.

i bought a nice new shirt for the wedding on saturday. the gap has been good to me lately with their clearance stuffs.

and some really good news - the first of the many nba preview magazines came out today...i'm only on page 7. i spend more money on basketball magazines from september to november than i spend on any other magazines combined for the rest of the year.

yup...that's all i got tonight. so i'm gonna go sleep now.

oh god i can't move...don't even mention anymore food

oh my god i can't move. don't even mention anymore food. we just got back from sarah's mom's house where we ate ribs, sausages, 3 kinds of salad (one with grilled shitake mushrooms and arugula...), drank some wine and then had a dufflet's chocolate and raspberry cake....exactly.
so it's been a little nutty round these parts.
we've had 2 of our best friends (gavin and karlene) staying with us for parts of the last two weeks. did i already mention that? they're getting married on saturday. they decided to get married here in toronto 2 months ago...in shanghai... they're a little stressed out. we're so happy about their wedding though. they're perfect. and/or crazy...
also i had a job interview today. for a job at indigo home office which it turns out i'd be perfect for. i did ok i think. i'm pretty sure i got to say everything i wanted to...gave examples and made all my points... just that maybe i wasn't sharp in the performance/showmanship aspect of interviewing. not that i think i botched it or anything. just wish i'd been sharper. oh well. i'm pretty sure that i won't lose the job based on that, or even a second interview. we'll see.
prodigal daughter is back too. (and if i knew better how to work stuff i'd be able to hot link "prodigal daughter" to the blog she goes with....) toronto just got better. i actually do have more enthusiasm...just that all my blood is around my belly...digesting...
yesterday was sarah's birthday. she's 32. also she started a job at the u of t bookstore. and next week she starts school. phew.
and we saw batman begins.
oh yeah, last weekend we went down to sunnyside beach around 830pm and we drank wine and hung out and watched fireworks. a very satisfying and nicely poetic kinda night. i hope to reproduce such niceness and poeticality in my life in the future.
i dont' have any deep thoughts these days. just busy living a temporarily busy life. can't wait for the wedding on saturday.
currently reading "sweet and vicious" by david shickler. about a hot girl, and a guy, stolen diamonds, and gangsters. fun and short and sweet.
that's all i got.
bye.

one more sleep...if i remember correctly

only one more sleep until meredith arrives and pretties up this town with her very presence! (i think she said she arrived on the 30th...does anybody else remember that? apparently my memory can be suspect...or perhaps only when kendra and jager are involved...i really don't remember throwing salt and pepper..."seasoning him like a turkey"...but then neither does kendra......)

basketball night ... oof...

tonight was basketball night. not such a bad night after all. i didn't do so well statistically i guess...too many turnovers...missed some easy shots....on the other hand...hit some big shots...did a lot of intangibles - made everybody run on defense allowing us to move the ball easier and get some open shots...also found some kinda catch and shoot, spinning fadeaway that i hit every time...ok i'll take it... it's good to play ball every week. i'm wiped out now but i'm drinking a beer right now. god i love beer sometimes. sarah's laughing at me cuz i have involuntary vocalizations of pleasure with almost every sip... i don't care. tonight's beer of choice is a boddington's pub ale in a can. tomorrow's gonna hurt...partly cuz i shoulda been in bed an hour ago...partly cuz i'm 30 and when i play basketball i don't care...didn't dive for any loose balls tonight but i did hit a wall pretty hard trying to save a loose ball...maybe i should drink two beers... there are such good happy things coming up in our lives. gavin and karlene are coming back to canada to visit for awhile. they land tomorrow, and then they come back to toronto to stay with us on sunday i think and then they get married on sept 10 and that will be wonderful. sunday is also brook's birthday and we're having a picnic i think. and jeff and kendra's wedding and all the stuff leading up to it... phew...i really should drink two beers...
love to all

sorting myself out...?

phew....things have been kinda nutty lately. there was the getting ready for vacation, then the vacation, applying for jobs, getting back from vacation, getting in trouble at work (again), playing basketball, the constantines show last night, my nan in the hospital, my nan out of the hospital, a trip to cambridge...not counting the things i'm forgetting... so i guess i haven't checked in with myself lately. maybe there's stuff going on in here. cuz there's big stuff.
been to our second wedding of the summer with 2 more in the next 2 months. both of the ones we've been to have been beautiful and lovely and lots of fun and memorable and important, and meaningful and things that we've been so happy to have been a part of. there are also many weddings in the planning stages for next summer. like our own wedding. so lots of big stuff there. big feelings and big talks.
had to say goodbye to one of my favourite places on earth last weekend. sarah's mom's cottage has been sold and we won't be able to make it up again before the closing date. it was really special to have adam, michelle, dan and shannon there to send it off in style. getting good friends together is severely underrated. i love those guys.
getting back from vacation has not been easy. i've been so tired all week that i spent the first few days moving at vacation speed, but that wore off...or at least the pleasant lassitude (i think that's a word, and i think that's what it means...) wore off. things have come up this week. my sister is having a sorta rough time. her baby-daddy (former fiancee and father of her son) lost his job a little while ago and so she's real broke. couldn't make it into town to see our cousin dallas play last night (he's the bass player for the constantines). we're not real rich right now either but we're gonna try to find a little in our budget to help her out every month. wish we could make real contributions though. i honestly believe in the village raising the child idea, and we're a part of ryan's (my nephew) village i guess. he's a pretty great kid too. starting to remember us now.
of course this leads to budgetary frustration and a sense of ... something undefinable large and complicated and negative... and then the career frustrations and self recrimination of a 30 year old man as a lowly retail clerk. i haven't been able to land any promotions at indigo. i'm 0 for 7 in fact. we can throw out a couple of those cuz i probably just applied to early (without enough experience or time on the job at indigo.) and we can throw out a couple more for bad luck or bad timing (somebody better applied, or they just hired another new-to-management type or something, or they just closed a big store and wanted to find a place for the displaced employees before promoting anybody new...) but i'm getting a little frustrated.
actually it might be a moot point these days cuz since i got in trouble a few weeks ago i'm not allowed to apply for any promotions to supervisory roles (99% of all available positions that pay better...) until i prove that i've resolved my anger frustration expression issues...(no set timetable - thanx boss).
in fairness, it would seem that i do have some emotional expression issues. not necessarily news to everybody i'm sure. not necessarily news to me either, just ... a thing.... that i'm now starting to try to work harder at resolving...? runs in the family. partly it's cuz it's taken me 30 years to figure out what things i grew up with aren't normal, and to try to figure out what normal and/or acceptable behaviour is.
speaking of family - my nan went into the hospital early this week cuz she couldn't keep any food down. the suspicion was that a change in her meds had triggered it, but they needed to do some tests, and put her on an iv to get some food into her. turned out the suspicions were correct but it was a little background stresser all week until the tests came back to show no new troubles.
we went to see my nan and grandpa yesterday, and my sister and nephew. (he cheers up my grandparents. me too.) had a decent visit. they were both tired so we didn't stay too long. enough to enjoy their company and to tell them about our plans to get married next august. that was nice. they didn't ask about any church presence at the ceremony so we didn't tell them there wouldn't be any. i think they probably already suspect and are praying for us accordingly.
i had a good talk with fogel last night about a career in teaching. it was pretty reassuring and helpful. it's just so hard to hold onto any certainty about doing it. it's hard to balance the desire to make a life instead of just a living (sometimes it seems like a chasm between making a life instead of just making rent...) with needing some more immediate improvement. i feel like i have some responsibility in the present as well as in the long term, and there seem to be opportunities to increase my income now - not that i'm having much luck in that department. i wish i had some skills that somebody would actually want to use that might be worth something. and it's really hard to walk away from benefits too. what to do what to do what to do....
wow it's busy in here.
actually this was a helpful exercise. sometimes it's good to lay things out and see that actually there are a lot of sticks in this pile. get some perspective. therefore give myself a break. and/or motivate myself...?
here we go. start small. put away the clean laundry that was washed and folded 4 days ago.
yay sunday.

hot rod angels... holy shit.

"for all the shut down strangers
and hot rod angels
rumbling through this promised land
tonight my baby and me
we're gonna ride to the sea
and wash all these sins from our hands"
from "racing in the streets" by bruce springsteen, from "darkness on the edge of town"

...holy shit. i didn't quite catch it the first time so i had to rewind and then i almost cried walking down the laneway. one of my new favourite songs...?

we're ba-ack ...part 2...

so where was i? oh yeah day 6...
...actually i think i finished day 6
...so day 7 - we wake up and hang out in the cottage, more puzzling, more eating, more swimming...later i get started making the first sangria (pineapple, lemons, limes, oranges, strawberries, one bottle red wine, some rum, some cointreau, a little vanilla...). nice and lazy day. drive into peterborough late afternoon to pick up adam and michelle and some more supplies (corn on the cobs, portabellos, steak, more booze, a ball, ... basically of stuff to feed and drink us for the next couple days - oh yeah oreos, chips, 2 bite brownies...).
when we got back to the cottage dan and shannon had arrived, so we hurried the supplies and adam and michelle and me down the hill to the cottage and the reunion of the bucks began amid many drinks and some food prep and a whole lotta eating. what a great night. it was so special to have everybody gathered together in such a great spot. we got kinda drunk. mighta been the tequila... also midnight swimming and throwing a glow in the dark frisbee in the lake.

day 8 - wake up and eat great pancakes and bacon and ... i know there was more but i don't remember what exactly... then more swimming. 1131 am adam says "1131...time for a beer". he got right into the spirit of things. and we couldn't let him drink alone now could we? a great water game for the afternoon - diving off the dock onto a floating double air mattress, dumping each other off the mattress, also diving catches off the dock where every catch is a glory catch...although we didn't manage to actually complete too many of those catches, and some of the splashes looked quite painful. and swimming frisbee. more drinking, shannon and dan paddle around the lake in the canoe, we all get lots of sun. some napping and puzzling and reading happens. i finished "the ice road" by gillian slovo. dinner becomes peppers, zucchinis, onions, and mushrooms, all marinated and put on kebabs, and steak kebabs, and marinated portabellos off the bbq, and corn on the kob and fried breads. nice wine, and a pitcher of sex on the beach. more laying around after dinner. played some taboo. another midnight swim where we saw shooting stars. does it get any better?

day 9 - breakfast is a herculean effort cuz not only do we not want to carry any food back up the hill to the car but we still need to fit adam and michelle and two tents, a cooler, and our stuff into a suzuki swift for the 2+ hour drive back to toronto....breakfast was omelettes with zucchini, onion and cheese, a mound of leftover grilled veggies now refried in butter, and some fried bread. did i mention that adam used 18 eggs to feed 4 people? (dan and shannon are vegans). we swam some more. threw the frisbee around in the water. enjoyed our last time at the cottage. lucked into a super easy drive back too.

so that's kinda what happened to us when we left the city. doesn't really tell the story of how much it meant to me. how good it was to see friends like that. how much i love sarah. if i say that people at work have been commenting on how relaxed i looked that might just start to give you an idea... maybe i'll try to explain all that stuff in the next post.

we're ba-ack

day one - drive to kaarin's family home near mansfield ontario, in mulmur township, leaving toronto a couple hours later than planned but still on time for the wedding. the setting was very pretty. a nice big house set a ways back from the country road, surrounded by trees and hills. they had a short ceremony under the spreading branches of a huge old tree, performed by an elderly couple - a practising buddhist and a christian minister. and then so much food, all made by the bride's mom (half dozen turkeys, a few hams, a pork roast, a salmon, and a smoked whitefish and tons of vegetables, all awesome). after all the eating, and a few speeches (short and funny) there was dancing and drinking. me and mark bury ended up dj-ing with our ipods after the light jazz band finished up. it was pretty fun actually, and we conjured up some pretty good sets. it was beautiful watching sarah with her eyes closed in front of the speaker, just dancing herself away to the cure and the violent femmes... slow dancing to marvin gaye with her... later after she faded out to our tent up in the pine woods, and after i got drunker, i was dancing a lot myself. partly i blame robin for what happened. see we got a little crazy and were having too much fun maybe, so when i suggested he should do the worm (remember how to breakdance folks?) he tried it. he dove into it only he just hit the dance floor. flat out. so it was only fair that i also make an honest attempt. luckily i "remembered" how to do the worm myself. and i was so loose and solid that i hit it perfect the first time. the second time maybe not so smooth. dove into it too far like i was not 30 years old, and i feel it in my back kinda but luckily i was very very loose at that point. third or fourth time - i'm not so clear - i hit the worm pretty hard and bruised both kneecaps. fifth, maybe sixth, seventh,....lots more times i think i was ok. dance until 4 am. sarah complains that i woke her up when i landed in the tent. mark and kaarin were both hammered and dancing up a storm. kaarin was a beautiful bride, and mark looked pretty sharp himself.

day two - a nice brunch spread too. turns out sarah's grandma, who we knew lived close by, actually lived around the corner and is really fondly remembered by kaarin's family. we drove by the old fairley farmhouse on the way out. and sarah got to walk down memory lane cuz the new owners were very generous. apparently fairley's drive past the farmhouse every once in a while.
we drive up to killbear provincial park, north of parry sound, and set up camp. it's pretty up there. all georgian bay shield rock. the water is amazingly clear. we swam the first evening, and went to bed early.

day three - more swimming, and walking along the shore. later some cliff jumping. everything is pretty nice up there. drive to a store outside the park for ice cream cones. the most amazing sunset i've ever seen turns the cliffs red and the sky a million other colours. we watched it from the beach after a rain storm.

day four - sarah's dad joins us, bringing steaks and more beers. and we have a nice visit with him. more swimming and cliff jumping and diving. i wish i coulda gotten pictures of sarah jumping. she says she'll be one of the really cool moms cuz she'll be jumping off the cliffs with our kids too. she's pretty great obviously.

day five - (i think) we wake up and as we consider making brunch the sky turns darker and darker and darker and as we rush to pack up and load the car, it starts to rain, and it only gets harder and harder and harder, and we get wetter and wetter and wetter. the rain is in fact so ridiculous that if it had stopped the moment the car was loaded we wouldn't have surprised.
and we drive to the cottage. settling in there around dinner. more swimming. after dinner i had a beer and start on a puzzle. vacation is now in seriously full swing.

day six - we drove into peterborough for some brunch and some more groceries. return to cottage and swim some more and eat some more really good food. drink more beers and do more puzzling.

to be continued tomorrow .... or some time soon...

vay-cay-shun...things to do ...

ok so ya won't be hearin nothin for a week or so. today we leave town for a wedding near creemore ontario, then tomorrow we continue on to killbear park until wednesday, then we go to sarah's cottage for the rest of the week where we'll be joined by a couple other folks. all along the way there will be beers to be drunk, and lots of nothing to be done...sort of...
see you when i get back

wisdom? i'm not an old man but i play one on the basketball court

well folks, long time no posts....sorry bout that...i was busy turning 30 and celebrating my friends bbq of love and playing basketball and dying in the heat and drinking drinks ... not in that order i think...actually i'm drinking a nice manhattan right now...another sign of being old...?
ok so here's the big sign of my advanced age...i played basketball tonight and i didn't dive for a single loose ball...old guys don't bounce so good on concrete...that's wisdom right...i could've gotten to a loose rebound too if i'd hit the dirt but i didn't...hmm...sarah will be so proud...or did i miss that rebound cuz my reflexes are too slow now that i'm 30? doh....
i better get to bed cuz it's almost 11pm and i need my beauty sleep.

ps. happy birthday jen. and if you look anything like a soccer mom then that can only be a good thing for soccer moms. don't mind my silly musings...

shantaram part 2

i think i'd like to travel in india.
i've never really thought that before reading this book. india is still something totally outside of my experiences and maybe i'd have to change...or find more patience or personal space tolerance or openness?...to really enjoy it or even to be able to appreciate it, but i'm fascinated. i know it's all romanticised bullshit, but then so am i a lot of the time... it's a bit over the top cuz i'm only a couple hundred pages into this book and maybe i even want to learn to speak hindi or marathi or something. the main character learns it and locals are amazed and entranced and overjoyed just to hear him say "my name is lin" in marathi...it's a bit heart-warming. maybe it's like hearing non-raptor journalists mention toronto or the raptors...or like the little smile and flutter of excitement i got when lin met a couple of canadian tourists in bombay and described the open friendly expression "he came to associate with all canadians"...
this book is just so beautifully written, and smart, and funny, and new to me...and something i figured out walking home from cherry bomb coffee shop this evening - for me, one of the best importantest things about books is having characters i can measure myself against...that's what so much of it is about...the act of measuring is even kind of unconscious, or not, and an act of admiration and striving for more or betterness or purity or truth...maybe holding onto the flaws that define me or strengthen me and reaching for what else there is to be made into me that i want to be...maybe to want to mean someting... characters can do all that and strive and try and dream and if someting didn't happen there wouldn't be a book i guess. but fiction doesn't detract from wanting and dreaming shouldn't just be frivolous or ever discarded... and we don't get the kind of tests that heroes get, where there's clarity in the results or confirmation of who we think we are, and whether or not we can be special...but the characters in books do and so we can measure against them and take what we can and fine tune and balance and add and subtract and in an equation of hopes and dreams find the variables to equal ourselves to ourselves in our own inner mirrors...?
...apparently i'm inspired. i'm so thankful for that. it's rare, but not too rare i guess. very precious at least. thank god i work in a bookstore i guess...

i think maybe i'll try to learn indian cooking next. and maybe the language that goes with it...

i got some good news today - aaron's (a guy i work with who kendra knows) sister has some other commitments and besides she's already seen bruce springsteen 3 times (!?) so he has an extra ticket to the solo acoustic show at the acc on july 14th that's sold out...so i get to go instead of her! i've never seen the boss, and i'm extra excited that it'll just be him doing a solo show.

hmmm...time to go walk sarah home from work.

shantaram

"It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant, while I was chained to a wall and being tortured."

that's the first line of the new book i'm reading. pretty good start. it's called 'shantaram' by gregory david roberts. it's about this guy who escapes from prison in australia and makes his way to bombay. he's part poet, or at least a writer, but maybe also a gangster kinda...haven't gotten that far into the book yet but the jacket said something like that. the indian mafia, and his part in it, are part of the story. i have a feeling from the first line that at some point things are not going to be going so well for Lin, the main character, but so far he's pretty interesting and happy...kinda glowing with excitement or new energy in the face of new experiences.

i picked this book up partly cuz they use that first line on the jacket, and it sounds like good writing, but also out of a desire to read about something entirely new and different to me. i'm really connecting with the main character, maybe cuz i recognize his sensitivity, and he has a perception i'd like to possess, and a grittyness too, and respect...anyway, i like him, but the setting is so far from me that it's stretching the powers of my imagination. which is odd in a way. i think it's stretching my powers farther than any fantasy novel i've read in a really long time. india has never been a place i've been very interested in, except for the food, but this book might change that. i'm fascinated by it in this book. and the characters are pretty brilliant too. of course there's a love interest. a beautiful woman with really green eyes, who's totally enigmatic, and says brilliant things, and might be dangerous or powerful or both.
it's definitely an adventure, without the indiana jones. more like an adventure of survival, and something totally new. maybe it's the totally new that has me so hooked... the really good prose sure doesn't hurt either.

...

played a solid hour and a half of 4 on 4 full court basketball on tuesday night which i can only describe as being kinda glorious. flat out running and good ball. i was knocking down shots pretty well, and it turns out that i actually have a little left hand finish ability around the basket. 5 left handed layups, out on the break, in traffic, off the dribble....(i'm right-handed and not ambidexterous so yes this is an achievement, and i've NEVER done it before tuesday night.)

...

work has been a real drag lately. i'm a little worried about coming to the end of my shelf-life at indigo actually. there's been no change or any real issues or anything this week, just not liking my job. hopefully that will pass - i seem to go in phases, and today was actually pretty good. hopefully also i will get the promotion i interviewed for a couple weeks ago. i'll hear about it by monday latest. fingers are crossed. if it doesn't happen then maybe it'll be time to look into other options...i'm cursing myself now for not getting more sorted out about a teaching career in time for september, and for missing an application deadline for a theatre sound-guy job that i just remembered wrong. oh well. something will come up. or i can start reading self-help books...

things i never thought i'd see...?

anybody else watching live8? here i was, innocently trying to conquer medieval japan on my computer...tv in the background with live8 on (hey there's no basketball)...and then motley crue took the stage. apparently i still love them. but more on that later. they start out with 'kickstart my heart'. pretty rocking. mick mars is doing all the heavy rock guitar intro stuff - mega feedback wail resolves into opening chord let it reverberate shake the guitar for new feedback wail and then the band comes out...vince neil is looking ok - a little rounder but not too much and give him a break anyway, quitting heroine will do that to ya...he does his best jesus christ pose with a big too simple to be faked grin - really really happy to be on stage on the nicest day in 10 years - he says 'how's it going canada?' and holds the mic out to hear the audience....this is just rock and roll. tommy lee totally rocks in with huge drum fills and they're off and running. yeah i apparently still love motley crue. and then it gets strange... between songs vince neil says 'so today is not just about the music...it's about 8 guys in a room at the g8...we're gonna send them a message...let's hear you send them a message...' or something along those lines.... i didn't know vince neil knew what the g8 was. so wierd...
and then they went back to being cock-rockers. they're pretty good at it. they've been doing it for over 20 years. and they didn't say anything else political anymore so no more wierdness to mess with me....just good clean (and they are too since nikki sixx actually died and was rescusitated -spelling?- in the late eighties or early nineties after a heroine overdose) rock and roll. there were some odd/funny moments too. for example, even though it was only 5 or 530pm, vince neil couldn't help but saying 'tonight' - as in 'how y'all doing tonight?' and 'let's get those hands in the air tonight' and 'make some noise tonight'...he did that about 9 times...
sarah says maybe it's cuz they've been up since 4am if they flew in or something. i think it's cuz they're rock stars. the other funny thing is that vince neil keeps holding his mic out to hear the crowd sing the next line or whatever only the crowd doesn't seem to know the words... buncha punk kids...i knew all the words. i actually feel like i have to sing along when he does that. watching it again (thanx to my tivo, and sarah just got home so i'm making her watch it...except she's just admitted that she doesn't know any crue...the shame...) ...watching it again i'm still impressed. he's lost a little bit of voice but he can still wail. it's so funny. they are more fun to watch and seem to be having more fun than most of any bands that have been formed since 1993. ya know why? no irony. they are really unselfconscious and just going for it even though they've been doing this for a couple decades. rocking out...pulling big moves...drum stick twirls...leaning on the guitar or bass players back...having total rock hair... and they're all smiling - at least when they're not making rock guitar faces or metal grimaces. it's kinda giving me goosebumps. maybe i should grow out my hair again so i can rawk... this totally made me think of you mere.

...

oh my god. dmc, as in formerly run dmc - until run got shot not that long ago, just came out on stage and they're getting some help from the actor who plays warrick on csi (las vegas)... and for their second song they're rapping over 'all along the watchtower' holy shit i think that's robbie robertson playing the guitar for them...i'm ....i don't know what to say....robbie robertson sounds kinda awesome...

kicked in the heart

this is just a short update post... i just finished "everything is illuminated" this afternoon. i finished it on my afternoon break. my boss had to ask me if i needed to take a minute. no tears, but whoa... kicked in the heart. really a quite beautiful book. maybe understated. i'm gonna have to read it again. so so much in it. and then it was over. whoa. everybody should read it...maybe...it's sadder than it is funny...a very pretty kind of sadness...
there are really only three characters - the "hero", jonathan safran foer (same name as author...), his translator alex/sasha, alex's grandfather who is also the driver, and sammy davis junior junior, grandpa's dog. it's about a guy who goes to the ukraine to try to find a woman who may have helped his grandfather escape the nazis, but jsf only has a photo to go by. alex and grandfather are kinda last minute translator/driver, but alex's english kinda funny, and the funny-ness brings really funny translations and really interesting and important and stupidly eloquent layers of meaning to the story. grandfather kinda breaks my heart for the whole book... actually i don't want to say anymore. i loved this book so much, it's hard to comprehend how the author did what he did with what he did...

enough. now i'm starting "the historian" by elizabeth kostovo. historical fiction spanning centuries of eastern european history, centering around the carpathian mountains...anybody's spidey-sense tingling? it's about dracula...but i feel obliged to say that this is more like literature...it got a really good review in the star a week or so ago (hence the number of customers coming into the store asking "where's that book that was in the star...i dunno...last weekend or maybe the one before that...?" as if there was only one book in the star...actually they haven't been too bad for this book. they've all remembered the title for one thing. not just the colour of the cover. ) so far so good, and it's like a 1000 pages so it should last me all week.

everything is illuminated

ok so i took adam's advice ... but i think it's gonna work out. i'm reading "everything is illuminated" now, by jonathan safran foer. so far very good. i feel like i've read a lot since i last posted what i've been reading. ok there was 'get shorty', 'true history of the kelly gang', 'forests of the night' by james hall, ...what am i forgetting? oh well. 'illuminated' is so very good so far. about a guy looking for the woman who might have saved his grandfather from the nazis with the help of a dog named sammy davis junior junior (yes 2 jr's) and a not very good translator. actually the bad english of the translator, alex, is pretty much genius. let me give you an example - alex is one of the narrators of the story:

"...i have tutored Little Igor to be a man of this world. For an example, I exhibited him a smutty magazine three days yore, so that he should be appraised of the many positions in which I am carnal. "This is the sixty-nine" I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers - two of them - on the action so that he would not overlook it. "Why is it dubbed sixty-nine?" he asked, because he is a person hot on fire with curiosity. "It was invented in 1969. My friend Gregory knows the nephew of the inventor." "What did people do before 1969?" "Merely blowjobs and masticating box, but never in chorus."...
...I am burdened to recite my good appearance. I am unequivocally tall. I do not know any women who are taller than me. The women I know who are taller than me are lesbians, for whom 1969 was a good year..."

that was on page 3. i've got a good feeling about this book.

words caught me off guard

this is kind of a nothing post, just a couple quotes of song lyrics that caught me off guard lately, kinda got in there where i live...i love these lyrics so i thought i'd share

"i'm not all i thought i'd be
i always stayed around
i've been as far as mercy and grand
frozen to the ground
i can't stay here and i'm scared to leave
(just kiss me once and then)
i'll go to hell
i might as well
be whistlin down the wind"
-tom waits, "whistle down the wind" from bone machine
tom waits is kind of a motherfucker sometimes with his heartbreakingly good lyrics...

"love is only trouble
we're both too drunk to steer it
we may never be angels
but we're lousy with the spirit"
-constantines, "on to you" from shine a light
i just love the last line really. it's genius. it makes me think of me and adam and dan and sarah and michelle and nicole and jeff and kendra and...it makes me think of everybody...past and present...that's us...very much me i think/hope...the guy diving for a frisbee when we're just throwing it in the park...caring about stuff lots and lots...big hearts all of us...aw geeze now i'm feeling mushy...i'll be into booze tonight...
love y'all

in an effort to not waste time...?

so in an effort to not 'waste' my day i'm blogging. it's productive. it's a way of engaging with the world. that might be the important part. otherwise i'd probably just lie on the couch and watch tv, or play video games. certainly i wouldn't be doing laundry today or cleaning the house (although i did unload the clean and load the dirty dishes into the dishwasher...). i may have told most of you about this already, but ever since i re-read "pattern recognition" by william gibson i realized i wanted to try harder to engage with the world, instead of the escapism i've often practised (video games, too much tv... i don't include books cuz more often than not they provide a new filter or lense to view the world through, or myself, or my place in the world...). i am a firm believer in escapism as mental therapy, but you can't live in therapy. so i was feeling unchallenged, unrewarded, out of touch, and kinda lost. partly my fault for escaping so often. having realized all that, i also realized how hard it is to engage in a meaningful way. doh. if only all my favourite authors could finish their next books... they might be favourites cuz their work tends to be good lenses (maybe mirrors is a better way of putting it...) for me. this is an act of active engaging. (jen you should take a look at "pattern recognition" - the main character is a plucky woman who i think you'd like...)

book du jour - "true history of the kelly gang" by peter carey. written in first person in the voice of ned kelly, a semi-literate poor colonial irish descended australian living in late 19th centry rural australia. brilliant prose, great historical fiction. kelly was something between robin hood and jesse james. i'm loving it, and it will be something i can recommend for father's day shoppers - phew. i might need to investigate this actual history further. and more broadly, the history of the irish in australia. partly it reminds me of the little that i know of the poor irish catholics around peterborough. protestants controlled parts of the region and the prejudices immigrated unscathed from ireland. according to gavin, bridgenorth and ennismore (two settlements on either side of chemong lake, really close to peterborough) were religiously divided. the protestants lived in bridgenorth, and the catholics lived in the swamps of ennismore... add this to the list of essays i'd like to write if or when i go back to school or just get the gumption " a comparison of the history of irish settlement in canada and australia"...

today would be a good day to sit at the only all day. read a bit of newspaper, read some more of 'the kelly gang', maybe write a bit, people watch, eat some good food...sigh...havent' really found a substitute in my neighbourhood. oh well.

another book i've been reading lately is 'i could do anything if i only knew what it was' by barbara sher. it was pretty good actually. some useful ideas and exercises. there was one part i was interested, partly cuz i like finding out about me, that talked about people who's interest or commitment or drive doesnt' seem to last. they want too many things, all over the map, can't decide on one particular thing, get bored after the beginning... she described 2 kinds of people for whom this is true. 1 - the scanner - likes variety, have wide-ranging, varying interests, highly adaptable and flexible, fast learner, like and respect all kinds of thinking, may be unwilling to dedicate yourself to one path ("a scholar is someone who sticks to something. a poet is someone who uses whatever sticks to him" -robert frost)
2 the diver - wants to get deep into things, dedicate time to deep study, BUT if a diver can't dive, then they act like scanners, like if they can't commit to a choice. i feel a bit like both of those are true. part of the problem is that i get to a point of wanting to do more pretty quickly, even though i don't have the abilities or knowledge that come with methodical or prolonged study. or sometimes i feel ready for the next step but don't have the opportunities and then feel like i'm spinning my wheels while i wait for the opportunities to present themselves or open up, maybe resenting the position i'm in... nice to know it's not laziness. i haven't finished or followed through as often as i wish i had, and maybe this armchair psychology is a kind of explanation. (actually the author is a real shrink not just an armchair one like me....)
hmm...it's almost time for sarah to finish work so i've gotta go put together a picnic for her.

nba notes - game one was pretty exciting, especially since the spurs won. i expect the whole series to be the same, although i don't really expect the spurs to win every game. they'll probably take the series but it's definitely not a lock. i'm curious as to why the spurs don't have parker guard rip hamilton and ginobili guard billups - it would even up the strength and speed matchups i'd think...

finding kids books for feminists

ok folks, i gotta tell ya...finding kids books for a feminist is not the easiest thing in the world to do, especially when her little person is only 4, and she knows exactly what kind of books she wants for the little person, but no titles in mind... (doh...i just had a flash of inpiration...2 hours too late...shoulda showed her 'the paperbag princess'...oh well...it very often happens that i find the perfect book for a customer 5 minutes after they leave or think of some great ideas... frustrating that)
so as i'm passing through the kids section at work, (where i can find pretty much anything, more or less, but i can't necessarily recommend stuff except by author reputation or fuzzy memories or what is selling or other people have told me is good ( and sometimes i can't recommend the stuff i remember cuz it's kinda ... dated in it's sensitivities...?). so this black lady is kinda looking around like she needs help so i offer to help her. she's looking for "pioneer stories" for her 4 year old, but not like the europeans who colonised north america "pioneer stories", more like the first woman to do something, or stuff like that - pioneers in the broad sense. i'm impressed by the idea but a little unsure what i can find for a 4 year old.
(NOTe: Jen and 'Col are not allowed to get mad at me for not thinking of something that is totally obvious to them...but ideas are welcome)
so we try the kids history section, cuz i know i've seen stuff about great figures in women's history, and there's a couple maybes which she shoots down. the first one was definitely too advanced for her kid. the other one was an underground railroad kinda story, but it was ultimately disempowering. i begin to suspect feminist tendencies and think harder. next we try the 'tails from around the world' section, where i'm hoping to find something that fits the bill or to fall back on multiculturalistic intentions. also i know that there's something about nelson mandela there. turns out its a collection of stuff selected by mandela, not about mandela. hmm... now i also face a funny question, and i'm putting this out there for thought - should i just reach for nelson mandela? or is that too obvious and therefore maybe a bit racist? is overthinking the situation i different kind of well-intentioned racism? ... i left mandela on the shelf. hmm...
as our adventure continues i picked and pulled a few titles for her consideration, "the first strawberry" (a cherokee tale about a woman who discovers strawberries) is the only actual title i can remember although there was a mexican one too. both turned down, one cuz of gender role issues, the other cuz it mentioned "poor indians" ("bad on both counts"). i am not mocking the lady, in case that's not clear here on the internet where there's no tone of voice...this was just a generally tricky situation - i was in full support of her request and really wanted to help her, only i couldn't really....well i guess i did, cuz she did appreciate the time i spent with her, and i managed to find a dozen books resembling what she wanted from which she took one. all the others were turned down with feminist critiques... but apparently feminism hasn't swept all the way through children's literature to what she wanted...or i could not find it. normally when a customer is that picky....except she was picky in the right way i guess.
ya know this was funnier in my head. stupid post.
and i don't remember what she actually purchased. sorry. i was just glad i was able to find something for her (because i was glad to find something for her kid, not for my own sake).

galveston

i have this new idea that i should title my blogs by the name of the book that i'm reading, that way i'll sound cool, poetic, and somewhat cryptic - dare i say enigmatic...?
so actually i just finished reading "galveston" by paul quarrington (writer of the book 'whale music'...) and i really liked it. it had a lot of the qualities i'd been looking for in a book lately. good prose - the kind where you occasionally pause to reread something especially nice. also it was recommendable, maybe not universally recommendable, but i would certainly recommend it. it was pleasantly quirky that's for sure. some laughter, some tears. vibrant characters... decent sex scenes... yeah good book. now what am i gonna read? how am i even gonna make it work with nothing to read on the streetcar? doh. also i picked up a self-help book by barbara sher called 'i could do anything if i only knew what it was'. seems to fit the bill huh...

in other news...well there's not much other news really. it's monday night... i can't believe it's only monday night... still can't play any basketball (stupid formerly good knee still hurts)

i made us a couch on sunday out of our old foam mattress and a futon frame. yay. now sarah can sew a cover of some kind and then we can get rid of the ugly couch. the new couch is very comfortable.

hmmm...i guess that's all i got for now. maybe i'm forgetting something, but of course i could just post again later...

and a little poetry for mere

the cinnamon peeler by michael ondaatje (from 'running in the family' - closest thing i got to a very favourite book maybe...)

If I were a cinnamon peeler
I would ride your bed
and leave the yellow bark dust
on your pillow.

Your breasts and shoulders would reek
you could never walk through markets
without the profession of my fingers
floating over you. The blind would
stumble certain fo whom they approached
though you might bathe
under rain gutters, monsoon.

Here on the upper thigh
at this smooth pasture
neighbour to your hair
or the crease
that cuts your back. This ankle.
You will be known among strangers
as the cinnamon peeler's wife.

I could hardly glance at you
before marriage
never touch you
-your keen nosed mother, your rough brothers.
I buried my hands
saffron, disguised them
over smoking tar,
helped the honey gatherers...

*

When we swam once
I touched you in water
and our bodies remained free,
you could hold me and be blind of smell.
You climbed the bank and said

this is how you touch other women
the grass cutter's wife, the lime burner's daughter.
And you searched your arms
for the missing perfume
and knew

what good is it
to be the lime burner's daughter
left with no trace
as if not spoken to in the act of love
as if wounded without the pleasure of a scar.

You touched
your belly to my hands
in the dry air and said
I am the cinnamon
peeler's wife. Smell me.

not what i signed up for

so today was supposed to be the big day...career counselling appointment...torpedoed by good intentions. i've been talking to the nice folks at the employee assistance program at work, talking a little about my stress, anxiety, sleep problems...i don't think it's really working...anyway, i asked the last counsellor i talked to if they could do any career counselling, and she said she could set me up with an appointment to talk to someone. i assumed she meant 'a career counsellor'. silly me. i guess she thought i needed more therapy or something. the dude i talked to was another shrink. his only good advice was to spend some serious time hearing from friends about career possibilities and suggestions from the people who know me and my strengths and weaknesses and maybe what i might like. it's a wierd deal i guess, cuz i don't know that i could point at you guys and suggest career ideas, but i'll give it some thought. i'd also be appreciative of any book suggestions about being more happy where i am, or reinventing myself, or self diagnosis career test kinda stuff - ya know... self help. but i will never read 'the purpose driven life' ever. i would like to say that if any of y'all are willing to take me up on my asking for advice there will be no bad suggestions, or anything. (kinda like the no stupid questions rule...) i'd really appreciate any thoughts you might have folks...
i'm not real satisfied with being 30 and working in retail, especially when i'm not even low level management. (and they're shutting down a big store - 110 bloor chapters - so i'm guessing it's not good for people looking for promotion to have all these transfers floating around....'bad timing that's all...' story of my life - except for the sarah parts...) i do actually like the customer service part of work - i like to help people. and i like books. and i like talking about books. and i like to help people. it's nice to be rewarded for being a nice guy i guess, and retail life has actually made me a nicer person. that's the single biggest non-benefits thing keeping me at indigo. also i'm still there cuz i'm closer to a promotion at indigo than anywhere else, and i don't know if i have good skills that can earn me any more money than i'm making at indigo without trading health risks or shitty environments or something. i always tell people that there's lots worse jobs than working in a bookstore. i just wish i could get paid well enough to make a life, not just rent.
also i realize that i'm not the only one in this particular boat...it's just become an issue at this point for me. don't know how much of it is turning 30 - hopefully not too much.
i'm thinking about dreams of the life i wanna make with sarah. kid(s)....house....not the storm of fear and stress and worry that i grew up in...opportunities... this dream ain't gonna make itself.
so...maybe it's time to work on this whole thing. i could stay at indigo and work up through the ranks kinda, make a decent living in there somewhere, and not have to incur some debt to get the edumacation. that's definitely an option. i just haven't ever really had any clear idea of my dream job (aside from the nba...) and i'd like to find out if there is a dream job. i know that there are more rewarding and challenging jobs, and some that pay well, but they could still just be a job. maybe that's fine too. i just don't know at this point.
bah...enough ranting.

i had the most wonderful time at michelle's birthday party on saturday night, even though i didn't get to share as many words with everybody as i would've liked to. we'll remedy that in the near future.

sad news from the nba - being down 3 games to 1 to the san antonio spurs is pretty clearly a bad place for steve nash and the pheonix suns to be. (it's a best of seven.) so steve nash might not be playing much longer this season. so sad.

ha ha michelle i didn't put the nba notes at the end this time so you had to read the whole thing...ummm...well actually maybe i did cuz i can't think of anything else to say at this point.

time to go help sarah make dinner. it's beef that's been marinating in a peanutty curry kinda deal for a couple days now. jealous? also you missed the chicken and sausage jambalaya i threw together the other day.

oh yeah on the book front - i've finished 'the delicate storm' and moved on to the new book in the trilogy by giles blunt 'black fly season'. seemed kinda seasonal. also i like the characters. but i really gotta find something really good after this. it occurs to me that i haven't really recommended anything i've read for awhile now. next book's gotta be recommendable. now open for suggestions - go!

oh yeah

just finished reading "the thin man". (had lots of time at the hospital this morning...) pretty fun read. i really like the characters. sometimes they remind me of us (the group of friends "us", not just me and sarah). kinda nice to see a similar sense of humour. what next?
i tend to become attached to characters, so maybe i'll pick up the sequel to "40 words for sorrow" when i hobble into work tomorrow...or maybe i won't...