...the best books

i've read a lot of really good books. i've enjoyed a whole ton of books that weren't even all that good. and i've figured out why some books are just superior. why some books stand above the rest. why i'd read some of them over and over again... at least i've figured it out for me. but i can tell you what it comes down to.
it's pretty much about the characters really.
and the questions that they make me ask about myself, and the things that i'm inspired to want for myself and for the people i love, and the dreams they make me dream.
could i do what that character did?...that's who i want to be...that's what i want to do...that is the kind of person i hope i am...that is something i didn't know enough to believe in, to hope for, to try to find in my own life - but now i will, now i do...
i'm just stupid enough (in a good way?) to compare myself to the characters in the books that i end up loving the best. usually it's the heroes. sometimes it's the supporting cast, someone who is just solid, or loyal or has a big heart... someone who's strengths i just appreciate.
you might think it's a set up to failure, but it doesn't feel that way. i have a big imagination and maybe it's big enough to make characters real to me. and maybe it's where i find my examples of what the best of us can become. so maybe it's inspiration. i have been inspired to be a better person by characters in books. if i read fiction on this level all the time...might be i could sustain that kinda reaching and striving.
maybe i'm not that hero from that book, but reaching brings me closer. and striving extends the horizon. and hope is sort of a reason or a place or a feeling of something or somewhere better or more... you can survive without it, but you can't live.


don't i sound fuckin poetic.

btw. i'm reading a pretty special book right now - "Dream Wheels" by Richard Wagamese. (also wrote "Keeper 'N Me" - also brilliant and beautiful and amazing...)

phew...this week...kinda been through the fires...

whatever that means.
things have just been kinda tough this week. more new developments in the whole anxiety disorder thing. but not really in the treatment thereof.
awhile ago i mentioned that i often struggle with "scaries" (moments of acute panic/fear/trauma that have no relationship to what i am experiencing in that moment of my life.) these events just seem to happen out of thin air. and knowing that i have no reason to panic or freak out, i can pretty much avoid any outside manifestation of my inner trauma/turmoil. like i said before - i've probably had a 'scary' while we've been talking and there was no way for you to know - until this week maybe. i'm not sure if anyone noticed but i've some particularly awful attacks this week that have so completely whited out my brain that i've really struggled to maintain my composure, and i'm not entirely sure i succeeded all the time. on top of that, i basically spent a couple days on a 'scary' adrenaline trip...where i existed in a state of scared that sometimes spiked into panic, and occasionally dropped into worried.
it's taken a lot out of me. and my emotions are still feeling pretty raw.
have you ever gotten so high or so drunk that you woke up the next day and you were still high or drunk but in a really bad way? it's a little like that, or maybe like having to experience emotions physically, or like a constant pain. knowing you have a migraine doesn't help you to not feel the migraine.
it's funny how much easier it is to talk about this in a blog but i can't really talk about it when it's happening or face to face. i honestly don't know why. i'm not shy. i can't even tell people closest to me if it's happening. even with sarah i only end up telling her after it happens if i need her to go easy on me. cuz i kinda can't tell her. too large...too scary...too much...too something...

tgif.

i've talked to nurse at the medical clinic who will get some face time with my doc and try to set me up to see someone and hopefully i'll hear back today.

...what else has been happening though...
...raptors are playing some awesome basketball, now first in their division, in a these-guys-are-good-guys-and-they-deserve-it kinda way that makes it even more enjoyable.
...going to visit the grandparents, and my mom, and everyone else in cambridge this weekend - it's my mom's birthday.
...i dunno...not much to tell...i'm kind of in a state of amber alert, wondering/worrying about more panic attacks or something so i've been taking things easy and keeping a low profile...

oh yeah - greene king abbot ale is really really good. (i find the discovery of a new good beer to be newsworthy...)

...lazy saturday...at least at the moment...

I just talked to my grandparents on the phone. Both sets of them. ...well actually I talked to my Nan and Grandpa Wehrle, and then I talked to my Grandpa Cardin - he was at the wedding, so you may remeber him if you were there, the older Quebecois guy who was quite taken with Michelle and her Spanish...
They all mean a lot to me, and I'm pretty happy to talk to them whenever I can, but there's something about it that makes me kinda sad too.
Nan and Grandpa live in a home, and their health isn't so good. I worry about them.
Grandpa Cardin still lives on his own, but quite suddenly over the last year or so his health has really gone downhill, and the doctors aren't exactly optimistic in their guesses and predictions. He's kinda lonely too ever since my Grandma passed away about 4 years ago.
I always wish I could do more for them. But they all live in Cambridge, and I can't get there as often as I'd like to. And I can't visit them at all really if I've got a cold since the state of their lungs is an issue.
I feel pretty thankful that I took my Grandpa Wehrle out for a beer one time about 10 years ago, and it meant so much to him, but it was also really important to me. It was a way for the two of us to just spend time together, as guys. I only wish I'd been able to do it again, and again.
I've never really gotten to do the same kinda thing with my Grandpa Cardin, partly cuz he's not as interested in having a beer... But I want to have a night at his place where the guys in the family who can make it get together and play cards, probably cribbage...something like that. I think he'd really enjoy himself and maybe it would open up new relationships - different than just grandparent to grand-kids...
Realizing now that time can pass too quickly, I should set that up sooner than later. Maybe make some phone calls tonight...

...so now i'm in this kinda thoughtfull, slightly melancholy (?), or maybe i should just describe it as thoughtful but not in a really contented way...no if i'm honest i'm a little sad...

...feel like i'm still in my 20's...

i was thinking about stuff while i was walking home from the streetcar stop tonight...and i started thinking about how i absolutely do not feel like i'm in my 30's. i still have no clue what i'm doing with my life kinda thing...but with the aches and the tummy and the slow recovery time of a 30-something...
maybe that's just normal.
normal is stupid.
anybody else feel that way?

anyway...

go raptors...
ummm...i'm so tired all of a sudden...like someone has just used a suck-cut on me without me noticing...will to live totally sucked...or more accurately my will to remain upright is vanishing like ...something that vanishes...a lot...
i had more ideas of things that i wanted to write about earlier. i wish i could remember them now. that'll give me something to do tomorrow at work i guess.

overheard at ikea...

"well then i guess we'll never agree..."
(loudly enough to be easily overheard, in the couch area...the couple were both probably around 40 years old...maybe a bit older...)
for bonus points = was this statement uttered by him...or her...

and no it wasn't me!
(...or sarah...)
...and we waited until it was polite to giggle...
cuz that's never happened to us.

...year in review...

so a week ago, one of my friends sent out his yearly "year in review" type email, where he remembers music and movies and moments from the past year... it's kind of a fun idea. i really like reading his year in review. i've also ben thinking more about my new intentions for the new year...and implementing them...and reflecting...and that kinda stuff...which i haven't done... so i thought i'd take a stab at it (a really superficial stab at it...)
hence, my year in review... in movies, music, moments, and other things that start with "m"...like...too bad books don't start with "m"...

the best of 2006...more or less

best movies - not in order
-the departed - very very good, with a killer cast...
-talladega nights - much more fun than i expected, very silly...
-bond-casino royale - just awesome, and i can't say much about it cuz i don't want to spoil anything
-bon cop, bad cop - canadian at it's heretofore undiscovered best. hilarious. you get a little bit of toronto stereotypes and a little bit of montreal stereotypes.

best music - in no order
-tom waits - orphans
-the boss - the seger sessions
-neko case - the tigers have spoken
-silverhearts - dear stranger
-priestess - hello master

**favourite song that i found this year - stevie wonder doing "we can work it out"

(oh yeah i should have mentioned that these are the best of these things that i've discovered this year, not necessarily that were released...)

best books
-plowing the dark by richard powers
-inconvenient truth by al gore
-tipping point by malcolm gladwell
-toughest indian in the world by sherman alexie
-book of secrets by m g vasanji
-pale horsemen, lords of the north by bernard cornwell
-englishmen's boy, last crossing by guy vanderhaeghe
-all the pretty horses by cormac mccarthy

favourite moments
-adam and michelle got married
-sarah and i got married
-jeff and kendra got married
-gord and shanna got married
(...hmm...sensing a pattern...?)
(aha a non-wedding moment...)
-watching the brazil/france world cup semi-final (quarter-final?) in little italy with mark and corby and nigel
-chris bosh's fade-away, off-the-dribble 3 pointer with 3 seconds left to win the game --adam and jeff and i were at the game, and i hurt my voice

ok that's all i got right now...but i'll keep updating those moments...

looking forward to in 2007
-first anniversary
-release of "the 300" (about the spartans at thermopylae - spelled that from memory - 'you can't win, our arrows will blot out the sun' 'then we will fight in the shade'...oh yeah...)
-gavin and karlene return from china
-realization of our (delayed) honeymoon plans - cuba!!

and here's the lists that inspired my list...although they got better categories then i do...
enjoy.



Favourite films, in reverse order:

10) Talladega Nights - Ricky Bobby
9) Inside Man
8) Brick
7) Last King of Scotland
6) The Descent
5) Notes on a Scandal
4) Children of Men
3) The Devil and Daniel Johnson
2) Why we Fight?
1) The Departed

Honourable Mentions: Borat, Pan's Labyrinth, The Proposition, V for Vendetta, The Poseidon Adventure.

Did not see, but might have affected list: Volver, Half Nelson, Water, Cache, Catch a Fire.

Worst: Hard Candy, Miami Vice.

Best performance (or should I say most enjoyable performance): Mark Wahlberg The Departed and
Judi Dench Notes on a Scandal

Favourite CDs, in reverse order: (only doing a top 5 this year as I was pretty lazy about buying new music)

5) is a tie between Roots- Game Theory and Ghostface Killah - Fishscale
4) Outkast - Idlewild
3) Radiodread
2) Anything by Sufjan but the Xmas boxset is probably my fave between that and Avalanche
1) The Boss - Seeger Sessions

Another year, another list. Every year, at around the same time, I ask myself - why do I do this? And then, I remember - it's a good little exercise, really - a chance to reflect and contextualize on all the high and low points of the preceding 12 months. And in so doing, my perspective changes - movie-wise, for instance, the year seems better on paper than I remember it being, whereas music-wise it's a wee bit disappointng.


Anyway, enough blather. For those who care (and for Sdao), here are my ...


Favourite films, in reverse order:

10) The Road to Guantanamo
9) Hard Candy
8) The Prestige
7) Pan's Labyrinth
6) Borat
5) Children Of Men
4) Little Children
3) Brick
2) Caché
1) The Descent

Honourable Mentions: V for Vendetta, Block Party, The Science of Sleep, The Inside Man, The Departed,
Ineligible, due to screening restrictions: Zidane: A 20th Century Portrait.

Best Performance (Male): Tie - Forrest Whitaker in "Last King of Scotland", Ryan Gosling in "Half Nelson"
Best Performance (Female): Ellen Page, Hard Candy


Did not see, but might have affected list: The Queen, Babel, Fast Food Nation
Did not see, but likely wouldn't have: The Holiday



Worst film: The Wicker Man

-------------------------



Favourite CDs, in reverse order:


10) Thom Yorke - The Eraser
9) Neko Case - Fox Confessor Brings The Flood
8) Lullabye Arkestra - Ampgrave
7)The Roots - Game Theory
6) Ghostface Killah - Fishscale
5) Califone - Roots & Crowns
4) Grizzly Bear - Yellow House
3 ) Sufjan Stevens - The Avalanche
2) TV on The Radio - Return to Cookie Mountain
1) Beirut - Gulag Orkestar

Honourable mentions: Tom Waits - Orphans, Bonnie "Prince" Billy - The Letting Go, Shearwater- Palo Santo
Discovery of the year: eMusic.

-------------------------

Most keenly-felt losses, in reverse order of importance:

10) Last shred of dignity, as I dance on bar of Cobalt wearing a French flag/armband (July 9)
9) Scarf @ Allen's on the Danforth (December 27)
8) Canada's men's hockey team, to Russia, in the Winter Olympics (February 22)
7) One of my favourite shirts, to pesky moths (September 25)

adventures at winners...yesterday

i have a challenge for everyone who shops at winners - see if you can find (in the normal course of your winners shopping) something on the clearance rack with a reduced price that is higher than $570.
that's right $570.
(regular winners price is $1095)
on the clearance rack.

it happens to me everytime i go to winners. i'll be skimming along the clearance racks and see a shirt or a jacket that is well above $200 on sale. maybe a jacket sticks out a bit as looking nice (not flashy nice, just well cut or nicely patterned or a nice material)...or a shirt...so lift up the price tag and all i can do is laugh cuz I'll find out that i have $400 or $500 dollar taste...


that happened 4 times last night.

in other adventures, as i walked in the door i heard a familiar voice say "paul wehrle"...and so i looked up to see jen whiteford walking towards me... ain't that funny? she lives in ottawa and I haven't seen her in a few years but there she was. so we had a nice chat and caught up a little bit. great to see her again. i wish i was also going to the punk-rock bowling championships in vegas...

oh yeah a funny thing from youtube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc

if i was smarter i could make this a hyper-link or somehting. you could just copy and paste it though.

remember the hinterland who's who vignettes?
then you'll appreciate this one. trust me.

pretty good week so far knockonwoodknockonwoodknockonwood

so far this week...2 full days without a panic attack, despite not having a single day without 9 of them in at least hte past month...played basketball...in a new gym close to home with a nice parquet hardwood floor that is full size, or at least big enough for a 5 on 5 game...easy week at work...also managed to not eat any chocolate in the past 4 days.

i'm not sure what to make of 2 days without a panic attack really. I can think of a number of reasons for an increase in frequency, strength and duration in december, but not really any reasons for them to stop. let's see...december...christmas...not so much money...wanting (not needing) to give out more presents than i/we were able to (i just walk around noticing things that i'd love to get for my people or do for them when i'm actually doing somehting else and christmas is usually the time of year when i can indulge that feeling)...family history of december and christmas...spending more time around said family - which is often difficult.... whatever.... anyway, i'm not gonna get excited about 2 days. I think i've gone a week or so before this. as hard as i've tried i haven't been able to identify consistencies or patterns in the hows and whys and whens and wheres of my attacks. it's been kinda nice though. the week or so before this have been particularly bad in terms of frequency, and severity. i had a few attacks that were just kind of a mental/emotional white-out. and then the rest of the day those days was all walking on egg shells and feeling pretty fragile and worried/scared that the next one is about to hit. on one level i know that i'm having an attack even when it's happening. doesn't stop me from experiencing the whiteout of real fear.
hmm...2 days without an attack...the same 2 days i've played video games...coincedence...?

as for basketball, it'll take some time to get used to playing 5 on 5 instead of 4 on 4, and it'll also take some time to get used to the bigger gym... I kept flying down the court and having this wierd feeling of wondering why i wasn't under the basket yet. made me feel slower actually. on the immediately good side - hardwood flooring is nicer to my knees and back than concrete. could be that it'll hurt more to dive for loose balls though...(the hardwood is much less slippery = awesome floor burn...not that i'm afraid...) i hit some big shots too one dagger and one coffin-nail...(defn's -"dagger": the game breaker or game-winner, sometimes ending a good run or comeback by the other team..."coffin-nail": the shot that puts the game out of reach for the other team and takes the heart out of them; as in the expression 'putting the last nail in the coffin') the other fun thing about 5 on 5 is that the spacing can more closely resemble an nba game and you can see how steve nash sets up some of his passes or how and where the ball and his team mates move, and then make the same moves yourself (twice...)
i finished with one highlight reel pass/play and one highlight reel layup coming off a screen and seeing the floor open up a lane that curved into the paint and then taking it and making it.

and work has been pretty light. (in case you hadn't heard there's an actor strike, combined with right after christmas and so i've had some extra time on my hands. trust me there's plenty i could be doing but very little that's on a deadline.

and i should probably continue this another time or something.
hope everyone is well.

tee hee...apparently i'm jolly...

so the receptionist where i work thanked me this morning for always being so jolly...my how the world turns...
although sarah thinks it's only because the receptionist must be cute or otherwise i wouldn't be so jolly. hmm. is there a correlation? admittedly when she said i was jolly i replied that seeing her behind the desk would brighten anybody's day... can i help it if i'm just that suave and gallant?
anyway, this whole jolly thing is kinda fun.

oh yeah...

you should check back to my blog more often...maybe comment...(if you pay attention to ME it'll be helpful...i'll blog more...)

also i did an awesome crossover and flipped up a highlight reel finger roll
...as well as putting on a burst of speed (oh yeah i still got a little something) and
stretching out to put a left handed layup off the glass...

...hmm...i wish i could remember the other thing i was forgetting...

oh well.
yay beer?

...although maybe i should be drinking more hard liquor in terms of the calories...probably i should learn more about healthy foods and stuff...and drink more wine - that's healthy right? (is port healthy too?)

not so much new years resolutions...more like reflections...hopes...wishes...

...home from basketball - the first basketball night of the year and the first in about a month...yes, ouch is a good word. a can of the ol' newkie brown (newcastle brown ale if you don't know) is going very nicely. and i've got thoughts...reflections...hopes...wishes...

like i wanna try to be more consistent, more aware, more committed to my social responsibilities, and making the world a better place...to that end i've started by purchasing "An Inconvenient Truth" (the book) with the idea that even though he's preaching to the converted, maybe it'll have some helpful reminders, maybe some inspirations... and i got another book called "Getting to Maybe" which i'm hoping will provide some help in terms of practical application of my new intention to do more or at least do what i can more consistently. (thanks to sarah's grandma for the gift card to the bookstore.)

and i wanna blog again. regularly. and say smart things...or funny things...maybe both...

and i wanna eat healthier...maybe exercise...(?)...(i hate the cliche...)...see the thing is i didn't wear a belt today...and my pants stayed up...(duh duh duh...)

what else...hmm...maybe i'll tell you about my holidays while i try to think of something good..

so our christmas only ended on friday. what with the visiting on both sides of the family trees...the driving...and the driving... it was all pretty nice actually. there were a couple hellish moments but i can't really talk about it all on the interweb. all the visits were pretty nice though. actually really nice.
ok i got nothin.
actually that's it.
i'm done.
all that christmas...all that visiting...and then today being back at work...which was also fine...ok i'm just a little tired. besides, if i think about my thoughts...reflections...hopes...wishes...think about them some more...maybe talk/write about them...express my feelings...(actually if i express my feelings sarah might even read this blog...when she's not too busy sanding things and repainting the apartment...or at least choosing colours...)
...yeah i'm gonna end on a funny...

ya can't argue with a cold can of sapporo and a couple ice packs...

it's the best thing really after basketball (playing not watching) and i'm really hurtin cuz i forgot that i'm 30+ and out of shape and ran like i'm not...seriously, for the first 30 minutes we were all run and gun, which means i was out leading the break at full speed and sprinting back on defence...just try running as fast as you can and then stopping, jumping, and turning around to sprint the other way...now that you've got the hang of that, add in some boxing out and fighting for rebounds and loose balls, maybe dive on a cement floor a couple times, and running sideways and around people who don't necessarily want to let you run around them...if you're still feeling ok, find someone younger, faster, and more athletic (but not as gritty and with less heart...) and try to chase them...for 30 minutes cuz even though you're pushing the ball and setting good screens and rebounding, you're maybe not hitting your shots so much...actually i was but my teammates were a little cold...except for gary (round mound of rebound...seriously he's 45 and totally unathletic but he's got a nose for the ball and a certain tenacity...i've gotten bruises fighting him for rebounds...i love that guy...)

i bought this sapporo especially for 'after basketball' actually. good call.

so how have you been?
me...i've been struggling...depression seems to be kinda under control...better living through medication... anxiety/stress...not so much. it seems like i might also be suffering from an anxiety disorder...or something... those silly little misunderstood/poorly diagnosed/funny little psych things.
i have numerous panic/anxiety attacks most days.
seemingly unconnected to where i am what i'm doing or what's going on around me.
if i've been talking to you in the past year, i've had one while talking to you. (you didn't notice cuz they last about 30 seconds and i "know what they are"...at least enough to recognize the nausea and shortness of breath and pounding heart and terror as "not real"...ie no one is running at me with a knife or a gun, i'm not about to give a speech to a hostile audience and you didn't say anything terribly upsetting...it just happened.) and i can fake my way through things until the part of myself that's whited out stops doing that.
(don't try the problem-solving thing ok - it happens at all times of the day, at work and at home and everywhere i've been in the past year and even when i'm playing basketball and sometimes i have them when i'm dreaming and wake myself up... so patterns aren't in it...although my new shrink is pretty sure we'll be able to sort it out. i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. he's prescribed more meds specifically for this part of things...fair trade i say.)
for my part, i'm seeing a shrink. new guy, not the woman i saw the winter before last. he comes recommended. and so far so good. even if he is in the east end...sigh
i think other things have been happening since the last posting. but that's the biggest thing. especially lately.
i dunno.
i work a lot.
i haven't been reading as much lately. it's a timing thing kinda. the cycles of book releases means that things i could read for free in hardcover when i was last working in a bookstore are coming out in paperback. the new titles are still in hardcover and i can't afford that. i gotta wait a bit longer for stuff that came out after i was a bookstore employee to come out in paperback so i can afford it.
i've found a few things i really absolutely love.

Sherman Alexie - he writes brilliant short stories about basketball actually...some of the most beautiful writing i've come across, and only a beautiful few stories are about basketball, and the rest of the beautiful stories are not. thanx to brook and colleen for lending me "the toughest indian in the world" and thanx to adam and michelle for the gift certificate that i used to buy more sherman alexie.

Cormac McCarthy - he writes biblically, epicly...he knows more words than the dictionary...and he can write in such a huge enormous grand scale (bigger than moby dick) and i'm enthralled and amazed by his language.

other than those two i've been struggling a bit to find books that really get me excited...although i've enjoyed a bunch of books i've read that i can't think of right now...

i just picked up the new tom waits...well i love (love) 2 out of 3 discs...i'll take it. i love the two discs i love enough that i don't mind having paid for the set.

i love sarah too. every day. all day... she gives that grinch heart-growing-to-be-two-sizes-too-big-for-his-chest feeling all the time. (actually i often have that feeling...i have a big heart...i hope so anyway...)

work is ok i hope...even though i'm on my last warning for talking out of turn (my well-documented low bullshit tolerance in action with clients who don't have their shit together...) actually i was given my last warning about a month or 6 weeks ago, and things have been pretty ok lately...i've been keeping my head down...and adam held an intervention... (actually i'm feeling vengeful...anything the women folk want me to talk to him about?...like the infamous "the women folk are worried about your drinking" intervention at the turn of the century...?)

anyway, i guess that's all i got.
tired. and struggling.
let's play poker and eat good food and have good times more often ok kids, otherwise the next post is gonna end up being an essay entitled "depression is like loneliness, that's why i'm the social convener - you guys make me feel better cuz you're good and you can't feel lonely when you're actually with good people"...hmm...don't make me use that title ok.

what's everyone up to this weekend?
i'm gonna go to cambridge and visit my family and relatives.

i'm gonna try to get back to this blogging thing. i'm hereby commiting to one posting every week. hopefully more. we'll see how it goes.

take care of yourselves ok.
you're important.

pheww...but we got another wedding invite for the end of october

so i'm sitting in front of the computer, typing away...kinda thought-full...and then some...but things are starting to sort themselves out i guess. (have we only been married for 2 1/2 weeks?) for those who couldn't be there with us, everything went amazingly well. all day long it didn't rain, which was pretty good luck actually, considering the gray skies. i spent a lot of time looking around at all the people we'd gathered together...i gotta say there was an impressive community gathered...and they all brought good spirits and it was really special for me just to be able to look out on it.
i gave a speech and people seemed to appreciate it and get it, to connect with me and what i felt and had to say about our gathering.
although i didn't get it all out cuz i ended up having to decipher my speech from the edited rough copy and not the cleaned up copy i wanted to rewrite.
one thing i didn't really get to say in my speech was that mark and kaarin's wedding was part of the inspiration for hoping for a wedding along the lines of a barn raising. they got married last summer out in the country and they had a county's worth of help to put something special together. i wish we could've stolen more of their ideas actually.
(i want to try to put my wedding speech up on the ol' blog, so if you don't know what i'm talking about bear with me.)
i had a really nice talk with sarah's grandma lorraine, who some of you got to talk to at the wedding. she's a really lovely lady.
she was telling me about some family history research she'd done. how some of her people had moved to the area around waterdown. how some of the communities were too small to have their own ministers. and how the young people would get married out in the field with their communities gathered around. just families, friends, and neighbours - no ministers or officials. i can picture that. it's kind of amazing to me to think that sarah and i echoed that. it wasn't something i'd intended, but it still means something to me, still resonates really nicely...it's a special connection that she made for me.

adam and i went to see some live music last night - just the two of us. also special. it's a bit depressing to realize that the last time that happened was in 1999... but it was kind of a nice night anyway. easy to fall back into that relationship. now we gotta drag nicole out for some drinking and reminiscing or something. somebody warn our husbands and wives to be ready for the aftermath...
going out to see live music has inspired me again to make a better effort to see more of it. especially if i can go to hugh's room...i can walk there...shows start earlier...and end earlier...and i can sit down and still see the show...and i don't have to go all the way to the bar cuz there's table service......oh god i'm old apparently...

sarah and i have started spending our wedding money. we've got a table picked out, and a loveseat, and we picked up a home theatre/stereo in a box. and a printer. there's a digital camera in our future too. some new bedding. new plates.
other stuff i can't think of right now.

we also got new silverware. a couple bottles of scotch (one of glenlivet and one of 10 year old macallan...). some nice glasses. coffee grinder. hand mixer.
other stuff i can't think of right now...but only cuz i can't sleep lately...

we're going to gord and shanna's wedding in peterborough on saturday. they asked me to be the emcee. i can't wait. gord's great. it should be really nice and a lot of fun...plus i'll be married for this one so i won't need to be taking notes, or making sure everyone's doing ok or that they got a drink in their hand. i can have a drink in my hand and dance and not feel bad if i don't get to say hi to everyone.
should be really good.

two weeks after that is my uncle's wedding. i'm also looking forward to that one. the relatives were really great at our wedding.

my uncle mont actually said the nicest things anyone's ever said about me. i'm still kinda shocked or amazed or something to think about what he said.

but now i gotta go to bed. seems like maybe i'll be able to get back into this blogging thing now i think. i'll try anyway.

good night.

the best short story ever written...

it's called "saint junior", by Sherman Alexie, from The Toughest Indian in the World.
"...Roman's entire political philosophy revolved around the basic tenet that a person, any person, had only enough energy at any given time to believe in three things...Roman himself believed in free expression, Grace Atwater, and basketball. Neither a Republican nor a Diplomat, Roman had always voted for the candidate who looked like he or she could hit a twenty foot jump shot with three seconds left on the clock and the home team down by one. "

ok ok ok it's not just cuz it's about a basketball player. sherman alexie writes stunningly beautifully. also Grace Atwater is the wife of the main character and she's totally hot and totally sexy.
the story is brilliant and whimsical and sexy and gorgeous. it makes me really happy. my favourite story ever. all my friends be warned that i will probably force it on you at some point soonish...

me, i just got home from playing some basketball myself. now i'm drinking my second beer and i have an ice pack on my lower back.
it was a pretty good night. maybe not "glorious" but still really good.
between the story and the basketball i played i got to thinking about our wedding vows on the way home. sarah doesn't seem too keen on me saying that she is "the only thing that gives me more joy than basketball"...personal isn't the same as meaningful...? or something... it made me feel pretty mushy... sigh

anyway tonight...
i made a bunch of jump shots
grabbed a bunch of rebounds
dropped some awesome dimes
ran a couple pick and rolls
completed a couple give and go's
got out on the fast break
led a couple fast breaks
drive and kick
drive and kick
stole one inbounds pass
and missed the layup
called out defensive assignments in transition
made a great help defense lock down move in the paint
threw a pass to jason under the net that somehow ended up as a basket...seemingly against the laws of physics...
floated a couple passes into the post for devastating hook shots
hustled
ran
cut
spun
jumped

...sherman alexie writes in lists too...although he seems to be a little better at it than i am.

in other news all we need to do is assemble and stamp and address our invites to the wedding. less than two months to go. no pressure.

damn. if i call in sick to work tomorrow, it'll really fuck up a few people who i really like.

did i mention the camping trip? last weekend a work camping trip. adam and i drank an ounce and a half every hour we were there if you average it out. kinda messy. i didn't pace myself so good the second night, but that was ok too. i made it through the "i never"...
and i got adam back to michelle safe and sound. which means i'm safe and sound cuz michelle won't kill me...
i love those kids.

work lately...worries...weddings...

we've been working on a few shows for the history channel lately, to do with ww1, and mostly about the major battles where canadians took part even if the show isn't specifically about canadian soldiers. the somme. ypres. passchendaele. it's been more interesting than normal actually.
the one about the somme was a bit surprising even. it turns out that the film footage of the somme - which is actually the only footage i can recall of ww1 - is mostly faked. the british generals expected a great swift victory. they got an ugly long slaughter. the filmmaker who was supposed to capture the victory got instead what actually happened. then some fake footage was combined with cuts from his footage to show a victory. one scene in particular stands out. i'm sure a lot of people would recognize it as the one they saw in history class, and in text books. allied troops are going over the top of a trench and one man is shot just as he sticks his head up and falls back down but everyone else makes it out of the trench anyway. i don't know if my description can call it up in memory, but it's such a familiar sequence that i'm sure it would be recognized.
turns out that was fake. propaghanda. it's not a trench. the men don't have any gas masks or any other equipment at all with them. the "officer" is actually only carrying a cane.
i can remember pictures of this sequence in history text books.
so...early propaghanda...
actually the show was/is pretty cool. they get all csi with the film, trying to figure out which parts of it are real. at the same time, 2 brothers from newfoundland, armed forces guys themselves, are retracing the footsteps of two uncles who fought at the somme. it works as a good counterpoint, with the forensics and specialists working on the film and the big picture history of ww1 and the brothers dealing with the personal and family histories, and even retracing routes and events in actual clothing and equipment of the period.
the specialists they call in are pretty awesome. they take stills of the footage to identify actual places where they were filmed, and the soldiers in them. they use facial analysts to compare images, and a lip reader to figure out what they might be saying.
the brothers are also pretty interesting. they're able to make this giant, unfathomable event real with their family histories, and heirlooms. one brother sews his uncle's hat badge onto the uniform he's wearing. they also have a story about the uncle who survived, despite getting shot in the leg and losing the leg.
"one time i was left alone wit' uncle linus, an' me ma tol' me never to ask him about his leg. so as soon as she left the room i says to him 'uncle linus, what happened to your leg?' an' he lets out this great cackle an' he squints at me an' he says [in a popeye kinda voice]'a tank run over it'..."
i dunno. it's a silly little story but so real and so human...
the more they talked about newfoundlanders in ww1 though, ...it made me pretty curious about how ww1 history might be really different in newfoundland than what i learned. there was one regiment that started the day with 750 men and only had 68 at role call the next morning. and overall newfoundland lost more men than any other country, in proportion to how many enlisted. (newfoundland wasn't part of canada then.) is there anymore resonance, or maybe presence in the classroom or maybe just greater weight to the teaching?
i dunno. just a thought.
interesting show anyway.

funny titles of the blogs i haven't gotten around to posting lately...or something

"between the legs, around the back, spinning, off the backboard, in traffic..."
about the best shot i've ever made while playing basketball. the off the backboard part was even on purpose. it was so ridiculous that i could only walk away from it, and i could barely meet anybody's eyes. mark was just shaking his head and laughing.

"ha ha ha - i've made it past 3 months...you can't fire me now..."
about how i've made it past the ol' 3 month probation period at work. not only that but my first day after probation was june 6, 2006...06/06/06...i listened to black sabbath all day that day.


ok that's all i can remember off the top of my head...while at work...so i'll post a part two of this when i remember more of the funny things i meant to blog about lately.

things are ok. but nutty. wedding drama abounds. the invitations are just about done and just about ready for assembly. we're scouting out registry stuff. sarah's dad wants to throw a bachelor party for me. i'm leaning towards softball in the earlier evening and then drinking later, maybe with cards...? i dunno. but i'm playing shortstop.

"girl you must have the gracefulness of a donkey"...my favourite words this week...

aside from "last crossing" by guy vanderheaeaeagheaehge, which i'm really loving the feel of, come from the silver hearts new album "dear stranger".

last real poet
'she said i'm the last real poet in town
and i'm leaving
and i'm sure to become somebody
somewhere else'

all for you
'you know evey man must work
and the day is long and cruel
see the blisters on my hands
i've worked the whole day through
but i'm not feeling any pain
cuz my hands are holding you
and when the day is done
i'm coming home to you'

whiskey blind
'girl you must have the gracefulness of a donkey
one dance with you and whole world's upside down
that's ok i still got the honky-tonky
still got enough beer to go for one more round
so hand me down that bottle
i've got a lot of trouble on my mind
before i'm seeing double
please take the keys
i'm going whiskey blind
and i can't stand to have you see me crying'

last days of chez nous
'you know i still love the way you sing
but i do believe that is the only thing
nothing ever came from trying to seperate sand from glue
we used to pick at hymns together
now its scabs
let's pack it up and get a tattoo
oh i know
that love don't last forever
even if you make it walk around in sunday clothes
and folks don't stay together
so they can keep smelling like a rose
i can play with you forever
and i'd never tire of the oo-wah-oo's
any song we sing together is a tonic
for the battles and the blues'

(there was even a zeugma in that last one. who can find it?)

the light on the lake when i step off the streetcar...

one of the things i love about the king streetcar is stepping off of it, coming home from work. my stop is along that stretch of king west where the street runs right along the rail lines beside the gardiner. the houses stop on the south side of the street just before my stop and the view of the lake opens right up, and the light at the end of the day on the lake is gorgeous. some days i can convince myself that i can see the other side it seems so clear. or maybe i can just see farther along the north western shore...see more than etobicoke and hamilton...i'm not sure what's past hamilton along there, but i could make it out tonight.
tonight there was a big freighter out on the lake too. first one i've seen this season, although i'm sure there have been plenty. it's kinda something. i don't know why though cuz those freighters aren't exactly pretty... oh well. i don't really need to understand it. the light was so amazing tonight too. and the colour it brought out of the sky and the lake...
i kinda wish i was the kind of person who would stop to look longer at the water, maybe go down to the shore and stare meditatively or something, setting myself on a rock or a log or leaning on a railing or a tree...
we went down one night last summer with a blanket and a bottle of wine. that was real nice. it's a puzzle why we don't do it more...
this past week has been a study of different colours and states of water on the lake, something i've taken to noting to myself i guess. even on the rainy gray days it was pretty. just different. hmm...

jesus was a zombie...

so we were watching "bones" tonight...it's not brilliant i admit, but it's reasonable i guess. good dinner tv. and tonight it was a little bit special. bones and booth were driving through new orleans, discussing the merits of voodoo as religion - booth skeptical, bones anthropologically engaged:

bones - there's nothing more outrageous about voodoo than catholicism
booth - yeah except for the zombies
bones - well jesus rose from the dead...

as a recovering catholic...that was special.