monday songs...stupid songs...and shit...

black monday by lowest of the low
monday monday by...somebody crappy
(tell me why) i don't like mondays by bob geldof and the boomtown rats
...i feel like i'm forgetting a few...

so it's monday...i saw a shrink this morning and the dentist this evening...then i looked for jobs in the classified section of the star and the now (it was part of an exercise with my therapist/social worker/counsellor/or something to convince me that there are opportunities out there for me that are better or at least as good as the job i got...didn't work.) not such an uplifting day...although aside from the dentist and my lack of immediate prospects for improving the quality of our lives and/or saving for our wedding i had a pretty good day today. i was good at work. very thoughtful and shit. (course i had some major motivation cuz we had media event to introduce the winners of the junior booklovers award - meaning many bosses and higher-ups around to impress...) i was working hard to look gooder. stupid customers didn't need help in any highly visible locations though. i ended up doing my best work outside of the spotlight...sigh

thank you boddington's pub ale...you never let me down...

my brain's been full of big thoughts lately...wondering about the place for god and religion in my life...remembering something worthwhile about sitting in a church...except i don't accept pope ratz(ass)inger as any part of my religion...and i don't hate anybody (...ummm...i mean that i don't hate gays or muslims or the poor...among others that i don't hate...true there are individuals that i probably hate...hmmm...)

...wondering about inviting my dad to our wedding...maybe forgiving him...?...thinking about how he probably got hit in the head too many times before his birth-father died when my dad was nine...how my nan then had to raise my 3 uncles solo until my grandpa came along...and my uncles were kinda handfuls - sorta too smart/clever like my uncles or sorta maybe damaged/socially and/or some other kind of disability or something in the case of my dad...who i haven't seen in 2 years...and whether i can invite my aunts and uncles if i don't invite my dad...probably not...

...bit of worry about my little sister who is now a single mom cuz the baby-daddy is a fuckup dumbass with no job...

...worrying about our wedding and how we'll afford it...what else i can do to make it better...to not make our decisions based on money...

...not feeling real good about my job as i near the 2 year mark...feel like i shoulda done better by now...

...feeling more certain about teacher's college...except sometimes i don't...

fuck i think i'm just over tired...didn't sleep very well last night...been busy for months really...wishing for more time to think about the wedding plans and what i want for us and christmas presents and volunteering somewhere and exploring continuing ed options and stuff like that...i may have to just take a mental health day soon...maybe after the next pay check...thank god basketball season starts real soon. i watched a preseason game sunday afternoon lying on the couch...felt real nice. more of that please. caring about basketball means less need to care about so many other things...stupid big heart... hope everybody is well...i've been thinking about all y'all too...