http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc
if i was smarter i could make this a hyper-link or somehting. you could just copy and paste it though.
remember the hinterland who's who vignettes?
then you'll appreciate this one. trust me.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
pretty good week so far knockonwoodknockonwoodknockonwood
so far this week...2 full days without a panic attack, despite not having a single day without 9 of them in at least hte past month...played basketball...in a new gym close to home with a nice parquet hardwood floor that is full size, or at least big enough for a 5 on 5 game...easy week at work...also managed to not eat any chocolate in the past 4 days.
i'm not sure what to make of 2 days without a panic attack really. I can think of a number of reasons for an increase in frequency, strength and duration in december, but not really any reasons for them to stop. let's see...december...christmas...not so much money...wanting (not needing) to give out more presents than i/we were able to (i just walk around noticing things that i'd love to get for my people or do for them when i'm actually doing somehting else and christmas is usually the time of year when i can indulge that feeling)...family history of december and christmas...spending more time around said family - which is often difficult.... whatever.... anyway, i'm not gonna get excited about 2 days. I think i've gone a week or so before this. as hard as i've tried i haven't been able to identify consistencies or patterns in the hows and whys and whens and wheres of my attacks. it's been kinda nice though. the week or so before this have been particularly bad in terms of frequency, and severity. i had a few attacks that were just kind of a mental/emotional white-out. and then the rest of the day those days was all walking on egg shells and feeling pretty fragile and worried/scared that the next one is about to hit. on one level i know that i'm having an attack even when it's happening. doesn't stop me from experiencing the whiteout of real fear.
hmm...2 days without an attack...the same 2 days i've played video games...coincedence...?
as for basketball, it'll take some time to get used to playing 5 on 5 instead of 4 on 4, and it'll also take some time to get used to the bigger gym... I kept flying down the court and having this wierd feeling of wondering why i wasn't under the basket yet. made me feel slower actually. on the immediately good side - hardwood flooring is nicer to my knees and back than concrete. could be that it'll hurt more to dive for loose balls though...(the hardwood is much less slippery = awesome floor burn...not that i'm afraid...) i hit some big shots too one dagger and one coffin-nail...(defn's -"dagger": the game breaker or game-winner, sometimes ending a good run or comeback by the other team..."coffin-nail": the shot that puts the game out of reach for the other team and takes the heart out of them; as in the expression 'putting the last nail in the coffin') the other fun thing about 5 on 5 is that the spacing can more closely resemble an nba game and you can see how steve nash sets up some of his passes or how and where the ball and his team mates move, and then make the same moves yourself (twice...)
i finished with one highlight reel pass/play and one highlight reel layup coming off a screen and seeing the floor open up a lane that curved into the paint and then taking it and making it.
and work has been pretty light. (in case you hadn't heard there's an actor strike, combined with right after christmas and so i've had some extra time on my hands. trust me there's plenty i could be doing but very little that's on a deadline.
and i should probably continue this another time or something.
hope everyone is well.
i'm not sure what to make of 2 days without a panic attack really. I can think of a number of reasons for an increase in frequency, strength and duration in december, but not really any reasons for them to stop. let's see...december...christmas...not so much money...wanting (not needing) to give out more presents than i/we were able to (i just walk around noticing things that i'd love to get for my people or do for them when i'm actually doing somehting else and christmas is usually the time of year when i can indulge that feeling)...family history of december and christmas...spending more time around said family - which is often difficult.... whatever.... anyway, i'm not gonna get excited about 2 days. I think i've gone a week or so before this. as hard as i've tried i haven't been able to identify consistencies or patterns in the hows and whys and whens and wheres of my attacks. it's been kinda nice though. the week or so before this have been particularly bad in terms of frequency, and severity. i had a few attacks that were just kind of a mental/emotional white-out. and then the rest of the day those days was all walking on egg shells and feeling pretty fragile and worried/scared that the next one is about to hit. on one level i know that i'm having an attack even when it's happening. doesn't stop me from experiencing the whiteout of real fear.
hmm...2 days without an attack...the same 2 days i've played video games...coincedence...?
as for basketball, it'll take some time to get used to playing 5 on 5 instead of 4 on 4, and it'll also take some time to get used to the bigger gym... I kept flying down the court and having this wierd feeling of wondering why i wasn't under the basket yet. made me feel slower actually. on the immediately good side - hardwood flooring is nicer to my knees and back than concrete. could be that it'll hurt more to dive for loose balls though...(the hardwood is much less slippery = awesome floor burn...not that i'm afraid...) i hit some big shots too one dagger and one coffin-nail...(defn's -"dagger": the game breaker or game-winner, sometimes ending a good run or comeback by the other team..."coffin-nail": the shot that puts the game out of reach for the other team and takes the heart out of them; as in the expression 'putting the last nail in the coffin') the other fun thing about 5 on 5 is that the spacing can more closely resemble an nba game and you can see how steve nash sets up some of his passes or how and where the ball and his team mates move, and then make the same moves yourself (twice...)
i finished with one highlight reel pass/play and one highlight reel layup coming off a screen and seeing the floor open up a lane that curved into the paint and then taking it and making it.
and work has been pretty light. (in case you hadn't heard there's an actor strike, combined with right after christmas and so i've had some extra time on my hands. trust me there's plenty i could be doing but very little that's on a deadline.
and i should probably continue this another time or something.
hope everyone is well.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
tee hee...apparently i'm jolly...
so the receptionist where i work thanked me this morning for always being so jolly...my how the world turns...
although sarah thinks it's only because the receptionist must be cute or otherwise i wouldn't be so jolly. hmm. is there a correlation? admittedly when she said i was jolly i replied that seeing her behind the desk would brighten anybody's day... can i help it if i'm just that suave and gallant?
anyway, this whole jolly thing is kinda fun.
although sarah thinks it's only because the receptionist must be cute or otherwise i wouldn't be so jolly. hmm. is there a correlation? admittedly when she said i was jolly i replied that seeing her behind the desk would brighten anybody's day... can i help it if i'm just that suave and gallant?
anyway, this whole jolly thing is kinda fun.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
oh yeah...
you should check back to my blog more often...maybe comment...(if you pay attention to ME it'll be helpful...i'll blog more...)
also i did an awesome crossover and flipped up a highlight reel finger roll
...as well as putting on a burst of speed (oh yeah i still got a little something) and
stretching out to put a left handed layup off the glass...
...hmm...i wish i could remember the other thing i was forgetting...
oh well.
yay beer?
...although maybe i should be drinking more hard liquor in terms of the calories...probably i should learn more about healthy foods and stuff...and drink more wine - that's healthy right? (is port healthy too?)
also i did an awesome crossover and flipped up a highlight reel finger roll
...as well as putting on a burst of speed (oh yeah i still got a little something) and
stretching out to put a left handed layup off the glass...
...hmm...i wish i could remember the other thing i was forgetting...
oh well.
yay beer?
...although maybe i should be drinking more hard liquor in terms of the calories...probably i should learn more about healthy foods and stuff...and drink more wine - that's healthy right? (is port healthy too?)
not so much new years resolutions...more like reflections...hopes...wishes...
...home from basketball - the first basketball night of the year and the first in about a month...yes, ouch is a good word. a can of the ol' newkie brown (newcastle brown ale if you don't know) is going very nicely. and i've got thoughts...reflections...hopes...wishes...
like i wanna try to be more consistent, more aware, more committed to my social responsibilities, and making the world a better place...to that end i've started by purchasing "An Inconvenient Truth" (the book) with the idea that even though he's preaching to the converted, maybe it'll have some helpful reminders, maybe some inspirations... and i got another book called "Getting to Maybe" which i'm hoping will provide some help in terms of practical application of my new intention to do more or at least do what i can more consistently. (thanks to sarah's grandma for the gift card to the bookstore.)
and i wanna blog again. regularly. and say smart things...or funny things...maybe both...
and i wanna eat healthier...maybe exercise...(?)...(i hate the cliche...)...see the thing is i didn't wear a belt today...and my pants stayed up...(duh duh duh...)
what else...hmm...maybe i'll tell you about my holidays while i try to think of something good..
so our christmas only ended on friday. what with the visiting on both sides of the family trees...the driving...and the driving... it was all pretty nice actually. there were a couple hellish moments but i can't really talk about it all on the interweb. all the visits were pretty nice though. actually really nice.
ok i got nothin.
actually that's it.
i'm done.
all that christmas...all that visiting...and then today being back at work...which was also fine...ok i'm just a little tired. besides, if i think about my thoughts...reflections...hopes...wishes...think about them some more...maybe talk/write about them...express my feelings...(actually if i express my feelings sarah might even read this blog...when she's not too busy sanding things and repainting the apartment...or at least choosing colours...)
...yeah i'm gonna end on a funny...
like i wanna try to be more consistent, more aware, more committed to my social responsibilities, and making the world a better place...to that end i've started by purchasing "An Inconvenient Truth" (the book) with the idea that even though he's preaching to the converted, maybe it'll have some helpful reminders, maybe some inspirations... and i got another book called "Getting to Maybe" which i'm hoping will provide some help in terms of practical application of my new intention to do more or at least do what i can more consistently. (thanks to sarah's grandma for the gift card to the bookstore.)
and i wanna blog again. regularly. and say smart things...or funny things...maybe both...
and i wanna eat healthier...maybe exercise...(?)...(i hate the cliche...)...see the thing is i didn't wear a belt today...and my pants stayed up...(duh duh duh...)
what else...hmm...maybe i'll tell you about my holidays while i try to think of something good..
so our christmas only ended on friday. what with the visiting on both sides of the family trees...the driving...and the driving... it was all pretty nice actually. there were a couple hellish moments but i can't really talk about it all on the interweb. all the visits were pretty nice though. actually really nice.
ok i got nothin.
actually that's it.
i'm done.
all that christmas...all that visiting...and then today being back at work...which was also fine...ok i'm just a little tired. besides, if i think about my thoughts...reflections...hopes...wishes...think about them some more...maybe talk/write about them...express my feelings...(actually if i express my feelings sarah might even read this blog...when she's not too busy sanding things and repainting the apartment...or at least choosing colours...)
...yeah i'm gonna end on a funny...
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
ya can't argue with a cold can of sapporo and a couple ice packs...
it's the best thing really after basketball (playing not watching) and i'm really hurtin cuz i forgot that i'm 30+ and out of shape and ran like i'm not...seriously, for the first 30 minutes we were all run and gun, which means i was out leading the break at full speed and sprinting back on defence...just try running as fast as you can and then stopping, jumping, and turning around to sprint the other way...now that you've got the hang of that, add in some boxing out and fighting for rebounds and loose balls, maybe dive on a cement floor a couple times, and running sideways and around people who don't necessarily want to let you run around them...if you're still feeling ok, find someone younger, faster, and more athletic (but not as gritty and with less heart...) and try to chase them...for 30 minutes cuz even though you're pushing the ball and setting good screens and rebounding, you're maybe not hitting your shots so much...actually i was but my teammates were a little cold...except for gary (round mound of rebound...seriously he's 45 and totally unathletic but he's got a nose for the ball and a certain tenacity...i've gotten bruises fighting him for rebounds...i love that guy...)
i bought this sapporo especially for 'after basketball' actually. good call.
so how have you been?
me...i've been struggling...depression seems to be kinda under control...better living through medication... anxiety/stress...not so much. it seems like i might also be suffering from an anxiety disorder...or something... those silly little misunderstood/poorly diagnosed/funny little psych things.
i have numerous panic/anxiety attacks most days.
seemingly unconnected to where i am what i'm doing or what's going on around me.
if i've been talking to you in the past year, i've had one while talking to you. (you didn't notice cuz they last about 30 seconds and i "know what they are"...at least enough to recognize the nausea and shortness of breath and pounding heart and terror as "not real"...ie no one is running at me with a knife or a gun, i'm not about to give a speech to a hostile audience and you didn't say anything terribly upsetting...it just happened.) and i can fake my way through things until the part of myself that's whited out stops doing that.
(don't try the problem-solving thing ok - it happens at all times of the day, at work and at home and everywhere i've been in the past year and even when i'm playing basketball and sometimes i have them when i'm dreaming and wake myself up... so patterns aren't in it...although my new shrink is pretty sure we'll be able to sort it out. i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. he's prescribed more meds specifically for this part of things...fair trade i say.)
for my part, i'm seeing a shrink. new guy, not the woman i saw the winter before last. he comes recommended. and so far so good. even if he is in the east end...sigh
i think other things have been happening since the last posting. but that's the biggest thing. especially lately.
i dunno.
i work a lot.
i haven't been reading as much lately. it's a timing thing kinda. the cycles of book releases means that things i could read for free in hardcover when i was last working in a bookstore are coming out in paperback. the new titles are still in hardcover and i can't afford that. i gotta wait a bit longer for stuff that came out after i was a bookstore employee to come out in paperback so i can afford it.
i've found a few things i really absolutely love.
Sherman Alexie - he writes brilliant short stories about basketball actually...some of the most beautiful writing i've come across, and only a beautiful few stories are about basketball, and the rest of the beautiful stories are not. thanx to brook and colleen for lending me "the toughest indian in the world" and thanx to adam and michelle for the gift certificate that i used to buy more sherman alexie.
Cormac McCarthy - he writes biblically, epicly...he knows more words than the dictionary...and he can write in such a huge enormous grand scale (bigger than moby dick) and i'm enthralled and amazed by his language.
other than those two i've been struggling a bit to find books that really get me excited...although i've enjoyed a bunch of books i've read that i can't think of right now...
i just picked up the new tom waits...well i love (love) 2 out of 3 discs...i'll take it. i love the two discs i love enough that i don't mind having paid for the set.
i love sarah too. every day. all day... she gives that grinch heart-growing-to-be-two-sizes-too-big-for-his-chest feeling all the time. (actually i often have that feeling...i have a big heart...i hope so anyway...)
work is ok i hope...even though i'm on my last warning for talking out of turn (my well-documented low bullshit tolerance in action with clients who don't have their shit together...) actually i was given my last warning about a month or 6 weeks ago, and things have been pretty ok lately...i've been keeping my head down...and adam held an intervention... (actually i'm feeling vengeful...anything the women folk want me to talk to him about?...like the infamous "the women folk are worried about your drinking" intervention at the turn of the century...?)
anyway, i guess that's all i got.
tired. and struggling.
let's play poker and eat good food and have good times more often ok kids, otherwise the next post is gonna end up being an essay entitled "depression is like loneliness, that's why i'm the social convener - you guys make me feel better cuz you're good and you can't feel lonely when you're actually with good people"...hmm...don't make me use that title ok.
what's everyone up to this weekend?
i'm gonna go to cambridge and visit my family and relatives.
i'm gonna try to get back to this blogging thing. i'm hereby commiting to one posting every week. hopefully more. we'll see how it goes.
take care of yourselves ok.
you're important.
i bought this sapporo especially for 'after basketball' actually. good call.
so how have you been?
me...i've been struggling...depression seems to be kinda under control...better living through medication... anxiety/stress...not so much. it seems like i might also be suffering from an anxiety disorder...or something... those silly little misunderstood/poorly diagnosed/funny little psych things.
i have numerous panic/anxiety attacks most days.
seemingly unconnected to where i am what i'm doing or what's going on around me.
if i've been talking to you in the past year, i've had one while talking to you. (you didn't notice cuz they last about 30 seconds and i "know what they are"...at least enough to recognize the nausea and shortness of breath and pounding heart and terror as "not real"...ie no one is running at me with a knife or a gun, i'm not about to give a speech to a hostile audience and you didn't say anything terribly upsetting...it just happened.) and i can fake my way through things until the part of myself that's whited out stops doing that.
(don't try the problem-solving thing ok - it happens at all times of the day, at work and at home and everywhere i've been in the past year and even when i'm playing basketball and sometimes i have them when i'm dreaming and wake myself up... so patterns aren't in it...although my new shrink is pretty sure we'll be able to sort it out. i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. he's prescribed more meds specifically for this part of things...fair trade i say.)
for my part, i'm seeing a shrink. new guy, not the woman i saw the winter before last. he comes recommended. and so far so good. even if he is in the east end...sigh
i think other things have been happening since the last posting. but that's the biggest thing. especially lately.
i dunno.
i work a lot.
i haven't been reading as much lately. it's a timing thing kinda. the cycles of book releases means that things i could read for free in hardcover when i was last working in a bookstore are coming out in paperback. the new titles are still in hardcover and i can't afford that. i gotta wait a bit longer for stuff that came out after i was a bookstore employee to come out in paperback so i can afford it.
i've found a few things i really absolutely love.
Sherman Alexie - he writes brilliant short stories about basketball actually...some of the most beautiful writing i've come across, and only a beautiful few stories are about basketball, and the rest of the beautiful stories are not. thanx to brook and colleen for lending me "the toughest indian in the world" and thanx to adam and michelle for the gift certificate that i used to buy more sherman alexie.
Cormac McCarthy - he writes biblically, epicly...he knows more words than the dictionary...and he can write in such a huge enormous grand scale (bigger than moby dick) and i'm enthralled and amazed by his language.
other than those two i've been struggling a bit to find books that really get me excited...although i've enjoyed a bunch of books i've read that i can't think of right now...
i just picked up the new tom waits...well i love (love) 2 out of 3 discs...i'll take it. i love the two discs i love enough that i don't mind having paid for the set.
i love sarah too. every day. all day... she gives that grinch heart-growing-to-be-two-sizes-too-big-for-his-chest feeling all the time. (actually i often have that feeling...i have a big heart...i hope so anyway...)
work is ok i hope...even though i'm on my last warning for talking out of turn (my well-documented low bullshit tolerance in action with clients who don't have their shit together...) actually i was given my last warning about a month or 6 weeks ago, and things have been pretty ok lately...i've been keeping my head down...and adam held an intervention... (actually i'm feeling vengeful...anything the women folk want me to talk to him about?...like the infamous "the women folk are worried about your drinking" intervention at the turn of the century...?)
anyway, i guess that's all i got.
tired. and struggling.
let's play poker and eat good food and have good times more often ok kids, otherwise the next post is gonna end up being an essay entitled "depression is like loneliness, that's why i'm the social convener - you guys make me feel better cuz you're good and you can't feel lonely when you're actually with good people"...hmm...don't make me use that title ok.
what's everyone up to this weekend?
i'm gonna go to cambridge and visit my family and relatives.
i'm gonna try to get back to this blogging thing. i'm hereby commiting to one posting every week. hopefully more. we'll see how it goes.
take care of yourselves ok.
you're important.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
pheww...but we got another wedding invite for the end of october
so i'm sitting in front of the computer, typing away...kinda thought-full...and then some...but things are starting to sort themselves out i guess. (have we only been married for 2 1/2 weeks?) for those who couldn't be there with us, everything went amazingly well. all day long it didn't rain, which was pretty good luck actually, considering the gray skies. i spent a lot of time looking around at all the people we'd gathered together...i gotta say there was an impressive community gathered...and they all brought good spirits and it was really special for me just to be able to look out on it.
i gave a speech and people seemed to appreciate it and get it, to connect with me and what i felt and had to say about our gathering.
although i didn't get it all out cuz i ended up having to decipher my speech from the edited rough copy and not the cleaned up copy i wanted to rewrite.
one thing i didn't really get to say in my speech was that mark and kaarin's wedding was part of the inspiration for hoping for a wedding along the lines of a barn raising. they got married last summer out in the country and they had a county's worth of help to put something special together. i wish we could've stolen more of their ideas actually.
(i want to try to put my wedding speech up on the ol' blog, so if you don't know what i'm talking about bear with me.)
i had a really nice talk with sarah's grandma lorraine, who some of you got to talk to at the wedding. she's a really lovely lady.
she was telling me about some family history research she'd done. how some of her people had moved to the area around waterdown. how some of the communities were too small to have their own ministers. and how the young people would get married out in the field with their communities gathered around. just families, friends, and neighbours - no ministers or officials. i can picture that. it's kind of amazing to me to think that sarah and i echoed that. it wasn't something i'd intended, but it still means something to me, still resonates really nicely...it's a special connection that she made for me.
adam and i went to see some live music last night - just the two of us. also special. it's a bit depressing to realize that the last time that happened was in 1999... but it was kind of a nice night anyway. easy to fall back into that relationship. now we gotta drag nicole out for some drinking and reminiscing or something. somebody warn our husbands and wives to be ready for the aftermath...
going out to see live music has inspired me again to make a better effort to see more of it. especially if i can go to hugh's room...i can walk there...shows start earlier...and end earlier...and i can sit down and still see the show...and i don't have to go all the way to the bar cuz there's table service......oh god i'm old apparently...
sarah and i have started spending our wedding money. we've got a table picked out, and a loveseat, and we picked up a home theatre/stereo in a box. and a printer. there's a digital camera in our future too. some new bedding. new plates.
other stuff i can't think of right now.
we also got new silverware. a couple bottles of scotch (one of glenlivet and one of 10 year old macallan...). some nice glasses. coffee grinder. hand mixer.
other stuff i can't think of right now...but only cuz i can't sleep lately...
we're going to gord and shanna's wedding in peterborough on saturday. they asked me to be the emcee. i can't wait. gord's great. it should be really nice and a lot of fun...plus i'll be married for this one so i won't need to be taking notes, or making sure everyone's doing ok or that they got a drink in their hand. i can have a drink in my hand and dance and not feel bad if i don't get to say hi to everyone.
should be really good.
two weeks after that is my uncle's wedding. i'm also looking forward to that one. the relatives were really great at our wedding.
my uncle mont actually said the nicest things anyone's ever said about me. i'm still kinda shocked or amazed or something to think about what he said.
but now i gotta go to bed. seems like maybe i'll be able to get back into this blogging thing now i think. i'll try anyway.
good night.
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