sitting here with some irish cream...many thoughts signifying nothing...or maybe everything...something in the middle

so i'm home from work. listened to tom waits all the way home - "mule variations"...maybe my favourite tom waits album...maybe...hard to say really...anyway, stepped off the streetcar onto deserted marion street...bare tree branches silhouetted against light reflected off clouds arching over the street from both sides, and yellow streetlights glowing into falling snow. here's me feeling meditative.
actually the song "come on up to the house" was playing as i walked along marion. i had the volume up pretty high cuz it's such a gorgeous album - the recording is just awesome...the most beautiful sounds captured and with headphones you can even hear the room in such a sweet way...
...here's me feeling more meditative. that song is somehow really important to me. "well the moon is broken and the sky is cracked, you gotta come on up to the house/the only thing that you can see is all that you lack you gotta come on up to the house..." "...there's nothing in the world that you can do, you gotta come on up to the house/you been whipped by the forces that are inside you, you gotta come on up to the house". it's that little oasis kinda place, something i've always looked for/hoped for...adam's family has played this role at different times in my life, showing me that families can work...be good things...be good homes...and lotsa friends have shown me all kinds of gentle generosities with their couches and tables and living rooms and sometimes other rooms too...but i've always imagined that when i grow up i'd make my home into that place too...as much as i could. my friends should always have a place to come to or go to in my house. family too i guess although that's got some hard sharp edges. i've always wanted that, and it's always been very important to me to be able to offer that. i've even imagined a future where our children's friends know that our house is safe. sarah says her house was like that growing up. not so much my house. wasn't even so safe for us really. maybe that goes toward why i feel so much about having/offering that. maybe it says something too about seeing clearly to a place or time when that can be real...something about how i'm in a good place with sarah. (she wants to have a basement so our strays plus me and the kids don't overrun the place...smart woman...) i guess it's my best idea about how to make a difference in the world...make the world a better place - realistically speaking making the world better usually happens in small ways...sometimes our responses are all we have...our local variety store got robbed last year, and all i could think to do was to introduce myself and find out the names of the guys who worked in the store...a response...one of the only times i was really proud of my dad was when i was in my early teens and the neighbours - the desmarais's - were having it out bigtime. steve desmarais's dad was really laying into him - we could hear every word...it was city housing, a duplex with us on one side and them on the other. he was saying really awful things to steve, who was also one of my friends, and making threats...well when steve came outside, scared and crying my dad brought him into our house. made me proud. never mind the hypocrisy of all the times the desmarais's heard my dad yelling the same kinds of things at me...anyway...life is complicated huh? someday, that's what my house is gonna be. and our kids will know too that if their friends are in something bad that our house is a good place. their friends will know it too i hope...all my people gotta know about our house.
wow maybe i should be drunker...

the other day i was riding the subway home and i saw this dad and little son sitting together reading the wish book, which is sears christmas catalogue...well i'd forgotten about the wish book. it was a big deal when i was a kid. the day it arrived...we'd all sit down with it, me and my siblings, and that was when we really made our christmas lists. it had a whole section of "gifts under x dollars"(different amounts on each spread) starting at ten dollars, and we'd look a little harder for the cheap gifts cuz even as kids we had some ideas about how money and christmas went together, but we'd look at everything in that catalogue. basically it was a book of dreams...and hopefully some would come true...dreaming was so nice we'd even come back to the wish book every couple of days, hoping to find something we'd missed. i don't know if those folks on the subway used the wish book the same way as the wehrle kids did, or if it meant any of the same things...i'd just forgotten about the wish book for a long time...christmas is complicated...

picture this...i'm standing on the west bound platform of the yonge subway line at yonge and bloor station...late rush hour, so not super busy but still lotsa people...tears slipping silently down my cheeks, actually dropping onto my jacket cuz i'm finishing one of the better books i've read in a while...some sadness, some courage...i was finishing "shadow of the wind" by jose ruiz zafon. stephen king has a quote on the cover describing it as "one gorgeous read". good description really. also had great quotes - "love is like pork..."something about a nice tenderloin and bologna being part of it...genius. it's set in barcelona between the 1920's and 50's. really interesting historical period too. world war, government overthrow, fascism... throw in a mysterious book and a love story and some tragedies...some of you might be getting a copy of this book as a christmas present....

also before that i was reading "a fine balance" by rohinton mistry. probably one of the best books i've ever read. it was the first time i was actually afraid to finish a book cuz i knew it was gonna break my heart. but i did. and it did.

now i'm reading "the wisdom of crowds". it's really interesting actually. about the idea that a diverse group of people will come up with a better solution than any single expert, even if the group is not made of experts or even particularly knowledgeable people....the author, james surowiecki, uses some pretty amazing examples - like the 800 folks who guessed the weight of a prize bull after butchering and the average of their guesses was only off by one pound - none of the guesses were closer....or the stock market after the challenger shuttle disaster - immediately after the challenger exploded, the stock market responded by selling off stocks of the four companies involved in the shuttle...what's surprising is that the company stocks that suffered the worst (by far) was for the company that would be found culpable 6 months later. no explanation could be found for this phenomenon, and many were investigated. kinda spooky really.

so we got our computer back. and tonight i was in the mood to talk. so here's my blog updated after so long that michelle resorted to typing echoes at me...hmm...kinda funny that one. but now i've run out of steam...and irish cream. i'm gonna go sleep. glad to be back.

...almost a month huh...?

well here's the deal...i got a promotion and transfer to another store in the indigo-chapters-coles chain. i'm now the assistant manager of a coles store at fairview mall...and my work hours are very different...and not so regular...and then my computer died...

currently (anxiously) awaiting the return of said computer, better than ever, so that i can attempt to get back to blogging...among other things...

miss you all in cyberspace...

so i played ball again last night...much better than 0 for 6 shooting by yours truly...
actually i shot an awesome percentage - lay-ups...short jumpers...mid-range shots...even a couple from downtown... didn't hurt that we were playing 3 on 3 for almost 2 hours. very fun times. 3 0n 3 is mostly about offence cuz there's so much room on the floor so there's lotsa glory to go around if you can pass and knock down shots...like i did
it was so low key and so much fun and such a good run too. the passing was excellent. some very steve nash moments...nba highlight reel passes and finishes and plays...for 2 pretty solid hours...

in other news...
we both had so much fun at jeff and kendra's wedding. very nice setting. nice ceremony. good food. lotsa drinks. met some really great new people and had so much fun with everybody we knew too...(we're all very proud of alex for getting up in front of everybody to sing a little elvis to make the happy couple smooch...)

now i gotta go cuz "weeds" is about to start. ("this program contains scenes of sexuality, nudity..." and mary louise parker... she's on both of our lists...ya know...where either of us can sleep with her if the opportunity should arise with no dire consequences....) bye

0 for 6

sad but true...sometimes being a defensive stopper doesn't feel real satisfying...
nobody scored while i was guarding them tonight...and i pulled down at least 6 rebounds...(second shortest guy on the court)...cuz i boxed out like a motherfucker...
but i didn't score a single point...zero field goals made on six shots...plus a couple turnovers...we lost by 9...worst loss of the season so far (and probably will stand as our worst game for the rest of the season). kinda sucky. i don't think defense actually does win games. even after tonight we're still the best defensive team in the league. unfortunately we're the worst offensive team...
just doesn't feel very satisfying to only play good defense...not to have a tangible moment to fall back on...
...and none of you are really big basketball fans either...you're gonna have to fake the sympathy...hmmm...oh well...

monday songs...stupid songs...and shit...

black monday by lowest of the low
monday monday by...somebody crappy
(tell me why) i don't like mondays by bob geldof and the boomtown rats
...i feel like i'm forgetting a few...

so it's monday...i saw a shrink this morning and the dentist this evening...then i looked for jobs in the classified section of the star and the now (it was part of an exercise with my therapist/social worker/counsellor/or something to convince me that there are opportunities out there for me that are better or at least as good as the job i got...didn't work.) not such an uplifting day...although aside from the dentist and my lack of immediate prospects for improving the quality of our lives and/or saving for our wedding i had a pretty good day today. i was good at work. very thoughtful and shit. (course i had some major motivation cuz we had media event to introduce the winners of the junior booklovers award - meaning many bosses and higher-ups around to impress...) i was working hard to look gooder. stupid customers didn't need help in any highly visible locations though. i ended up doing my best work outside of the spotlight...sigh

thank you boddington's pub ale...you never let me down...

my brain's been full of big thoughts lately...wondering about the place for god and religion in my life...remembering something worthwhile about sitting in a church...except i don't accept pope ratz(ass)inger as any part of my religion...and i don't hate anybody (...ummm...i mean that i don't hate gays or muslims or the poor...among others that i don't hate...true there are individuals that i probably hate...hmmm...)

...wondering about inviting my dad to our wedding...maybe forgiving him...?...thinking about how he probably got hit in the head too many times before his birth-father died when my dad was nine...how my nan then had to raise my 3 uncles solo until my grandpa came along...and my uncles were kinda handfuls - sorta too smart/clever like my uncles or sorta maybe damaged/socially and/or some other kind of disability or something in the case of my dad...who i haven't seen in 2 years...and whether i can invite my aunts and uncles if i don't invite my dad...probably not...

...bit of worry about my little sister who is now a single mom cuz the baby-daddy is a fuckup dumbass with no job...

...worrying about our wedding and how we'll afford it...what else i can do to make it better...to not make our decisions based on money...

...not feeling real good about my job as i near the 2 year mark...feel like i shoulda done better by now...

...feeling more certain about teacher's college...except sometimes i don't...

fuck i think i'm just over tired...didn't sleep very well last night...been busy for months really...wishing for more time to think about the wedding plans and what i want for us and christmas presents and volunteering somewhere and exploring continuing ed options and stuff like that...i may have to just take a mental health day soon...maybe after the next pay check...thank god basketball season starts real soon. i watched a preseason game sunday afternoon lying on the couch...felt real nice. more of that please. caring about basketball means less need to care about so many other things...stupid big heart... hope everybody is well...i've been thinking about all y'all too...

algonquin adventures ... continued... some things clarified

true - i did stub my toe so bad it swelled up like a couple of grapes
- i did hyper-extend my left knee (formerly known as my "good knee") while hiking back out on tuesday morning...at approximately km 2 of 7...stupid fallen leaves camouflaging the stupid hole in the ground... unless - it was a cleverly laid trap!! aha!! was it the beavers? the mice? or the chipmunks? those little bastards...country critters may not be as wiley or fearless or mangey as their city cousins but as guerilla fighters in their own element...
- also true, i no longer have those great glasses...ever see on tv or wherever when people drive off with their coffee still on the roof of the car? yeah...kinda like that...

not true - no bears...but we decided early on that if any of us needed to explain anything to anybody else's girlfriends then bears would be involved...any accidents resulting from knife-throwing...bear. anybody accidentally shot by a handmade bow and arrow...bear. any hacky sack injuries...bear.

close encounters of the bare...beer...bear kind...(dunh dunh duuhhh!!)

well...i am home now...i have showered...i have a beer in my hand...my girlfriend is nowhere to be seen...i feel i can tell this story now...as it should be told...
so we were hanging out...me and gord and pete...we'd just finished a good round of hacky sack...congratulated ourselves on previously maligned reflexes and flexibility...drinking drinks on the edge of our site, down a very short trail by the lake...shirtless...enjoying the breezes and a little "cold water therapy"...well we ran out of captain morgan's spiced rum - tastier than you think actually...so i got up to go grab another mickey...i stand up walk up the incline of shield rock and jump down off the granite into our site...so black bears are not really all that big it turns out...kinda big...like bigger than a really big dog...or a shetland pony...or a full-grown pig...well bigger than a lot of things...but not actually a whole lot bigger than me (when you see them on tv - the camera adds at least 10 pounds...)...but it's really and truly one of those situations where the whole size doesn't matter idea really holds water...so there's this bear...just shuffling a bit...about 35 feet away cuz we actually had a pretty big site...snuffling around gord's bivy sac...and i stop...i think i mighta said something pithy...like "oh..."....which got bear's attention...he...or she...(kinda hairy...hard to tell...) then turned and walked a couple steps and stood up...all the way up...i had time to wonder if bears have the same hit them in the nose thing as sharks before my legs reacted for me...only not very well...i backed right into a slight depression in the earth...i remembered it from how it messed me up in hacky sack - not that my memory was helpful...cuz stepping into that hole i hyperextended my left knee and then fell backwards (towards the bear...) and my glasses somehow fell off...and i jumped up again...stepping onto my glasses (turns out i crushed them utterly...)...which distracted me and i stubbed my toe so hard i fell down again...the good part is that all the thrashing about and screaming in pain/rage...well the bear thought i was too messed up to take on... who's the man...?

tune in later to find out which parts of this story are true...

also i had a dream that jeff and kendra are having twins...