whatever that means.
things have just been kinda tough this week. more new developments in the whole anxiety disorder thing. but not really in the treatment thereof.
awhile ago i mentioned that i often struggle with "scaries" (moments of acute panic/fear/trauma that have no relationship to what i am experiencing in that moment of my life.) these events just seem to happen out of thin air. and knowing that i have no reason to panic or freak out, i can pretty much avoid any outside manifestation of my inner trauma/turmoil. like i said before - i've probably had a 'scary' while we've been talking and there was no way for you to know - until this week maybe. i'm not sure if anyone noticed but i've some particularly awful attacks this week that have so completely whited out my brain that i've really struggled to maintain my composure, and i'm not entirely sure i succeeded all the time. on top of that, i basically spent a couple days on a 'scary' adrenaline trip...where i existed in a state of scared that sometimes spiked into panic, and occasionally dropped into worried.
it's taken a lot out of me. and my emotions are still feeling pretty raw.
have you ever gotten so high or so drunk that you woke up the next day and you were still high or drunk but in a really bad way? it's a little like that, or maybe like having to experience emotions physically, or like a constant pain. knowing you have a migraine doesn't help you to not feel the migraine.
it's funny how much easier it is to talk about this in a blog but i can't really talk about it when it's happening or face to face. i honestly don't know why. i'm not shy. i can't even tell people closest to me if it's happening. even with sarah i only end up telling her after it happens if i need her to go easy on me. cuz i kinda can't tell her. too large...too scary...too much...too something...
tgif.
i've talked to nurse at the medical clinic who will get some face time with my doc and try to set me up to see someone and hopefully i'll hear back today.
...what else has been happening though...
...raptors are playing some awesome basketball, now first in their division, in a these-guys-are-good-guys-and-they-deserve-it kinda way that makes it even more enjoyable.
...going to visit the grandparents, and my mom, and everyone else in cambridge this weekend - it's my mom's birthday.
...i dunno...not much to tell...i'm kind of in a state of amber alert, wondering/worrying about more panic attacks or something so i've been taking things easy and keeping a low profile...
oh yeah - greene king abbot ale is really really good. (i find the discovery of a new good beer to be newsworthy...)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I always though when people said "I'm having a panic attack" that were being whiney and were full of crap, much the same way most people treat women with severe menstrual cramps.
That was, of course, until this year's office Christmas (I mean holiday) party. I was in the bathroom when all of a sudden, but only for about 15 seconds, I was filled with absolute dread and total fear beacuse... well, because... and then it was gone. I didn't know what had brought it on or why or what it was about. "Weird," I thought "must be because of all the office politics BS flying around tonight."
But it's happened several times since. Usually no longer than 10 or 15 seconds, but more than long enough to totally throw me. I do not like it!! :(
So, hey, I'm sorry if I've ever been short with you when you've been going through these. I did not understand them at all.
Cool blog. Sherman Alexie is an awesome writer.
A word on panic attacks: Most people suffer from panic attacks because they bottle their emotions up. Emotions are like water. If you dam it up you can contain it for a while but if the dam, breaks, you're in for a flash flood. Also, try running your kitchen sink and trying to stop the water from flowing with your hand. The water squirts out all kinds of crazy directions. Kind of like emotions.
Anyway, that's just something I've discovered through the years. Bottled up emotions = consequences and repercussions down the road. So whatever emotion you express the least you should start expressing more. It's usually sadness/tears for men, and anger for women.
Post a Comment