pretty good week so far knockonwoodknockonwoodknockonwood

so far this week...2 full days without a panic attack, despite not having a single day without 9 of them in at least hte past month...played basketball...in a new gym close to home with a nice parquet hardwood floor that is full size, or at least big enough for a 5 on 5 game...easy week at work...also managed to not eat any chocolate in the past 4 days.

i'm not sure what to make of 2 days without a panic attack really. I can think of a number of reasons for an increase in frequency, strength and duration in december, but not really any reasons for them to stop. let's see...december...christmas...not so much money...wanting (not needing) to give out more presents than i/we were able to (i just walk around noticing things that i'd love to get for my people or do for them when i'm actually doing somehting else and christmas is usually the time of year when i can indulge that feeling)...family history of december and christmas...spending more time around said family - which is often difficult.... whatever.... anyway, i'm not gonna get excited about 2 days. I think i've gone a week or so before this. as hard as i've tried i haven't been able to identify consistencies or patterns in the hows and whys and whens and wheres of my attacks. it's been kinda nice though. the week or so before this have been particularly bad in terms of frequency, and severity. i had a few attacks that were just kind of a mental/emotional white-out. and then the rest of the day those days was all walking on egg shells and feeling pretty fragile and worried/scared that the next one is about to hit. on one level i know that i'm having an attack even when it's happening. doesn't stop me from experiencing the whiteout of real fear.
hmm...2 days without an attack...the same 2 days i've played video games...coincedence...?

as for basketball, it'll take some time to get used to playing 5 on 5 instead of 4 on 4, and it'll also take some time to get used to the bigger gym... I kept flying down the court and having this wierd feeling of wondering why i wasn't under the basket yet. made me feel slower actually. on the immediately good side - hardwood flooring is nicer to my knees and back than concrete. could be that it'll hurt more to dive for loose balls though...(the hardwood is much less slippery = awesome floor burn...not that i'm afraid...) i hit some big shots too one dagger and one coffin-nail...(defn's -"dagger": the game breaker or game-winner, sometimes ending a good run or comeback by the other team..."coffin-nail": the shot that puts the game out of reach for the other team and takes the heart out of them; as in the expression 'putting the last nail in the coffin') the other fun thing about 5 on 5 is that the spacing can more closely resemble an nba game and you can see how steve nash sets up some of his passes or how and where the ball and his team mates move, and then make the same moves yourself (twice...)
i finished with one highlight reel pass/play and one highlight reel layup coming off a screen and seeing the floor open up a lane that curved into the paint and then taking it and making it.

and work has been pretty light. (in case you hadn't heard there's an actor strike, combined with right after christmas and so i've had some extra time on my hands. trust me there's plenty i could be doing but very little that's on a deadline.

and i should probably continue this another time or something.
hope everyone is well.