...the best books

i've read a lot of really good books. i've enjoyed a whole ton of books that weren't even all that good. and i've figured out why some books are just superior. why some books stand above the rest. why i'd read some of them over and over again... at least i've figured it out for me. but i can tell you what it comes down to.
it's pretty much about the characters really.
and the questions that they make me ask about myself, and the things that i'm inspired to want for myself and for the people i love, and the dreams they make me dream.
could i do what that character did?...that's who i want to be...that's what i want to do...that is the kind of person i hope i am...that is something i didn't know enough to believe in, to hope for, to try to find in my own life - but now i will, now i do...
i'm just stupid enough (in a good way?) to compare myself to the characters in the books that i end up loving the best. usually it's the heroes. sometimes it's the supporting cast, someone who is just solid, or loyal or has a big heart... someone who's strengths i just appreciate.
you might think it's a set up to failure, but it doesn't feel that way. i have a big imagination and maybe it's big enough to make characters real to me. and maybe it's where i find my examples of what the best of us can become. so maybe it's inspiration. i have been inspired to be a better person by characters in books. if i read fiction on this level all the time...might be i could sustain that kinda reaching and striving.
maybe i'm not that hero from that book, but reaching brings me closer. and striving extends the horizon. and hope is sort of a reason or a place or a feeling of something or somewhere better or more... you can survive without it, but you can't live.


don't i sound fuckin poetic.

btw. i'm reading a pretty special book right now - "Dream Wheels" by Richard Wagamese. (also wrote "Keeper 'N Me" - also brilliant and beautiful and amazing...)

phew...this week...kinda been through the fires...

whatever that means.
things have just been kinda tough this week. more new developments in the whole anxiety disorder thing. but not really in the treatment thereof.
awhile ago i mentioned that i often struggle with "scaries" (moments of acute panic/fear/trauma that have no relationship to what i am experiencing in that moment of my life.) these events just seem to happen out of thin air. and knowing that i have no reason to panic or freak out, i can pretty much avoid any outside manifestation of my inner trauma/turmoil. like i said before - i've probably had a 'scary' while we've been talking and there was no way for you to know - until this week maybe. i'm not sure if anyone noticed but i've some particularly awful attacks this week that have so completely whited out my brain that i've really struggled to maintain my composure, and i'm not entirely sure i succeeded all the time. on top of that, i basically spent a couple days on a 'scary' adrenaline trip...where i existed in a state of scared that sometimes spiked into panic, and occasionally dropped into worried.
it's taken a lot out of me. and my emotions are still feeling pretty raw.
have you ever gotten so high or so drunk that you woke up the next day and you were still high or drunk but in a really bad way? it's a little like that, or maybe like having to experience emotions physically, or like a constant pain. knowing you have a migraine doesn't help you to not feel the migraine.
it's funny how much easier it is to talk about this in a blog but i can't really talk about it when it's happening or face to face. i honestly don't know why. i'm not shy. i can't even tell people closest to me if it's happening. even with sarah i only end up telling her after it happens if i need her to go easy on me. cuz i kinda can't tell her. too large...too scary...too much...too something...

tgif.

i've talked to nurse at the medical clinic who will get some face time with my doc and try to set me up to see someone and hopefully i'll hear back today.

...what else has been happening though...
...raptors are playing some awesome basketball, now first in their division, in a these-guys-are-good-guys-and-they-deserve-it kinda way that makes it even more enjoyable.
...going to visit the grandparents, and my mom, and everyone else in cambridge this weekend - it's my mom's birthday.
...i dunno...not much to tell...i'm kind of in a state of amber alert, wondering/worrying about more panic attacks or something so i've been taking things easy and keeping a low profile...

oh yeah - greene king abbot ale is really really good. (i find the discovery of a new good beer to be newsworthy...)

...lazy saturday...at least at the moment...

I just talked to my grandparents on the phone. Both sets of them. ...well actually I talked to my Nan and Grandpa Wehrle, and then I talked to my Grandpa Cardin - he was at the wedding, so you may remeber him if you were there, the older Quebecois guy who was quite taken with Michelle and her Spanish...
They all mean a lot to me, and I'm pretty happy to talk to them whenever I can, but there's something about it that makes me kinda sad too.
Nan and Grandpa live in a home, and their health isn't so good. I worry about them.
Grandpa Cardin still lives on his own, but quite suddenly over the last year or so his health has really gone downhill, and the doctors aren't exactly optimistic in their guesses and predictions. He's kinda lonely too ever since my Grandma passed away about 4 years ago.
I always wish I could do more for them. But they all live in Cambridge, and I can't get there as often as I'd like to. And I can't visit them at all really if I've got a cold since the state of their lungs is an issue.
I feel pretty thankful that I took my Grandpa Wehrle out for a beer one time about 10 years ago, and it meant so much to him, but it was also really important to me. It was a way for the two of us to just spend time together, as guys. I only wish I'd been able to do it again, and again.
I've never really gotten to do the same kinda thing with my Grandpa Cardin, partly cuz he's not as interested in having a beer... But I want to have a night at his place where the guys in the family who can make it get together and play cards, probably cribbage...something like that. I think he'd really enjoy himself and maybe it would open up new relationships - different than just grandparent to grand-kids...
Realizing now that time can pass too quickly, I should set that up sooner than later. Maybe make some phone calls tonight...

...so now i'm in this kinda thoughtfull, slightly melancholy (?), or maybe i should just describe it as thoughtful but not in a really contented way...no if i'm honest i'm a little sad...

...feel like i'm still in my 20's...

i was thinking about stuff while i was walking home from the streetcar stop tonight...and i started thinking about how i absolutely do not feel like i'm in my 30's. i still have no clue what i'm doing with my life kinda thing...but with the aches and the tummy and the slow recovery time of a 30-something...
maybe that's just normal.
normal is stupid.
anybody else feel that way?

anyway...

go raptors...
ummm...i'm so tired all of a sudden...like someone has just used a suck-cut on me without me noticing...will to live totally sucked...or more accurately my will to remain upright is vanishing like ...something that vanishes...a lot...
i had more ideas of things that i wanted to write about earlier. i wish i could remember them now. that'll give me something to do tomorrow at work i guess.

overheard at ikea...

"well then i guess we'll never agree..."
(loudly enough to be easily overheard, in the couch area...the couple were both probably around 40 years old...maybe a bit older...)
for bonus points = was this statement uttered by him...or her...

and no it wasn't me!
(...or sarah...)
...and we waited until it was polite to giggle...
cuz that's never happened to us.

...year in review...

so a week ago, one of my friends sent out his yearly "year in review" type email, where he remembers music and movies and moments from the past year... it's kind of a fun idea. i really like reading his year in review. i've also ben thinking more about my new intentions for the new year...and implementing them...and reflecting...and that kinda stuff...which i haven't done... so i thought i'd take a stab at it (a really superficial stab at it...)
hence, my year in review... in movies, music, moments, and other things that start with "m"...like...too bad books don't start with "m"...

the best of 2006...more or less

best movies - not in order
-the departed - very very good, with a killer cast...
-talladega nights - much more fun than i expected, very silly...
-bond-casino royale - just awesome, and i can't say much about it cuz i don't want to spoil anything
-bon cop, bad cop - canadian at it's heretofore undiscovered best. hilarious. you get a little bit of toronto stereotypes and a little bit of montreal stereotypes.

best music - in no order
-tom waits - orphans
-the boss - the seger sessions
-neko case - the tigers have spoken
-silverhearts - dear stranger
-priestess - hello master

**favourite song that i found this year - stevie wonder doing "we can work it out"

(oh yeah i should have mentioned that these are the best of these things that i've discovered this year, not necessarily that were released...)

best books
-plowing the dark by richard powers
-inconvenient truth by al gore
-tipping point by malcolm gladwell
-toughest indian in the world by sherman alexie
-book of secrets by m g vasanji
-pale horsemen, lords of the north by bernard cornwell
-englishmen's boy, last crossing by guy vanderhaeghe
-all the pretty horses by cormac mccarthy

favourite moments
-adam and michelle got married
-sarah and i got married
-jeff and kendra got married
-gord and shanna got married
(...hmm...sensing a pattern...?)
(aha a non-wedding moment...)
-watching the brazil/france world cup semi-final (quarter-final?) in little italy with mark and corby and nigel
-chris bosh's fade-away, off-the-dribble 3 pointer with 3 seconds left to win the game --adam and jeff and i were at the game, and i hurt my voice

ok that's all i got right now...but i'll keep updating those moments...

looking forward to in 2007
-first anniversary
-release of "the 300" (about the spartans at thermopylae - spelled that from memory - 'you can't win, our arrows will blot out the sun' 'then we will fight in the shade'...oh yeah...)
-gavin and karlene return from china
-realization of our (delayed) honeymoon plans - cuba!!

and here's the lists that inspired my list...although they got better categories then i do...
enjoy.



Favourite films, in reverse order:

10) Talladega Nights - Ricky Bobby
9) Inside Man
8) Brick
7) Last King of Scotland
6) The Descent
5) Notes on a Scandal
4) Children of Men
3) The Devil and Daniel Johnson
2) Why we Fight?
1) The Departed

Honourable Mentions: Borat, Pan's Labyrinth, The Proposition, V for Vendetta, The Poseidon Adventure.

Did not see, but might have affected list: Volver, Half Nelson, Water, Cache, Catch a Fire.

Worst: Hard Candy, Miami Vice.

Best performance (or should I say most enjoyable performance): Mark Wahlberg The Departed and
Judi Dench Notes on a Scandal

Favourite CDs, in reverse order: (only doing a top 5 this year as I was pretty lazy about buying new music)

5) is a tie between Roots- Game Theory and Ghostface Killah - Fishscale
4) Outkast - Idlewild
3) Radiodread
2) Anything by Sufjan but the Xmas boxset is probably my fave between that and Avalanche
1) The Boss - Seeger Sessions

Another year, another list. Every year, at around the same time, I ask myself - why do I do this? And then, I remember - it's a good little exercise, really - a chance to reflect and contextualize on all the high and low points of the preceding 12 months. And in so doing, my perspective changes - movie-wise, for instance, the year seems better on paper than I remember it being, whereas music-wise it's a wee bit disappointng.


Anyway, enough blather. For those who care (and for Sdao), here are my ...


Favourite films, in reverse order:

10) The Road to Guantanamo
9) Hard Candy
8) The Prestige
7) Pan's Labyrinth
6) Borat
5) Children Of Men
4) Little Children
3) Brick
2) Caché
1) The Descent

Honourable Mentions: V for Vendetta, Block Party, The Science of Sleep, The Inside Man, The Departed,
Ineligible, due to screening restrictions: Zidane: A 20th Century Portrait.

Best Performance (Male): Tie - Forrest Whitaker in "Last King of Scotland", Ryan Gosling in "Half Nelson"
Best Performance (Female): Ellen Page, Hard Candy


Did not see, but might have affected list: The Queen, Babel, Fast Food Nation
Did not see, but likely wouldn't have: The Holiday



Worst film: The Wicker Man

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Favourite CDs, in reverse order:


10) Thom Yorke - The Eraser
9) Neko Case - Fox Confessor Brings The Flood
8) Lullabye Arkestra - Ampgrave
7)The Roots - Game Theory
6) Ghostface Killah - Fishscale
5) Califone - Roots & Crowns
4) Grizzly Bear - Yellow House
3 ) Sufjan Stevens - The Avalanche
2) TV on The Radio - Return to Cookie Mountain
1) Beirut - Gulag Orkestar

Honourable mentions: Tom Waits - Orphans, Bonnie "Prince" Billy - The Letting Go, Shearwater- Palo Santo
Discovery of the year: eMusic.

-------------------------

Most keenly-felt losses, in reverse order of importance:

10) Last shred of dignity, as I dance on bar of Cobalt wearing a French flag/armband (July 9)
9) Scarf @ Allen's on the Danforth (December 27)
8) Canada's men's hockey team, to Russia, in the Winter Olympics (February 22)
7) One of my favourite shirts, to pesky moths (September 25)

adventures at winners...yesterday

i have a challenge for everyone who shops at winners - see if you can find (in the normal course of your winners shopping) something on the clearance rack with a reduced price that is higher than $570.
that's right $570.
(regular winners price is $1095)
on the clearance rack.

it happens to me everytime i go to winners. i'll be skimming along the clearance racks and see a shirt or a jacket that is well above $200 on sale. maybe a jacket sticks out a bit as looking nice (not flashy nice, just well cut or nicely patterned or a nice material)...or a shirt...so lift up the price tag and all i can do is laugh cuz I'll find out that i have $400 or $500 dollar taste...


that happened 4 times last night.

in other adventures, as i walked in the door i heard a familiar voice say "paul wehrle"...and so i looked up to see jen whiteford walking towards me... ain't that funny? she lives in ottawa and I haven't seen her in a few years but there she was. so we had a nice chat and caught up a little bit. great to see her again. i wish i was also going to the punk-rock bowling championships in vegas...