2 nights

2 nights of basketball in a row...2 good nights...
last night was my weekly pickup gym rental night of 2 hours of ball...pretty good night too. i hit a giant 10 foot skyhook that really didn't have much business going in but it felt good coming off my fingertips so i kinda knew... even better was the finger roll...first i ever tried but it was just perfect...i catch the ball out on the arc, fake left and drive hard and fast right, leaving two defenders behind right there and taking it hard and fast to the hole...as i go up mark comes over the top for the swat but i pull it back down and stretch out and under the block to flip up the finger roll which barely even touches twine cuz it drops perfectly, straight through the net...i do all this at full speed...and paul makes the highlight reel.

tonight i got to play an extra league game...it was deadly...total nailbiter...we were up by 4 at the half, but they scrapped back and it was tied in the last minute...unfortunately we missed our last shot with 15 seconds left, and they made their last shot with 5 seconds left...sigh...it was an awesome game though...i'll exaggerrate and say that i was the anchor on our defense, calling out assignments when we got caught in transition...shutting down my man and helping and boxing out and taking the toughest matchups...i missed my only 2 shots...made some good passes...no turnovers... it was just a great game...last year we would've lost this game by 8 or more...this year it was a one point game that could've pretty easily been a victory for us...last year after the game they'd shake our hands but since they expected to win it wasn't like we made them respect us...tonight they had to...and after the game they did...good night...time for a manhattan

ps. an announcement - i'll be off camping from friday until at least tuesday night so i won't be responding to any emails. don't take it personally.

overheard yesterday at ikea, aka "it's funny cuz it's true"

"look! just tell me...HOW...TO...GET...OUT OF HERE!!!"

(somewhat irate...or at least completely frazzled, discombobulated, disgruntled, upset, frustrated...just plain losing it...guy in ikea trying to get out after following the arrows on the floor through both floors and 3/4's of the store...as he encounters an ikea employee...)

also heard:

"AHAHAH...AHHAAHHAAH...AHAAHAHAHAAAAHA...AAAAHAAAHAAAHAA...!"

(sarah's reaction...also she was crying from laughing too hard...maybe also cuz it hit a little close to home...hmmm...?

apparently truer words were never spoken...

my friend is doing something that i admire and respect and it makes me very proud

this is my friend dan's blog address.

http://solidaritynotcharity.blogspot.com

he's going to go down to the gulf coast himself to help out people affected by katrina and now hurricane rita. it makes me really worried about him. but it makes me really proud of him.

he's got a long history of work and credentials around social justice issues, and he knows what he's talking about, at least as much as anybody i've ever talked to about social justice stuff. there are some really great links on his blog, and some important information about what has happened and what is still happening down there. i urge people to check it out.
i'm tired right now, and i can't type anymore to tell you about dan and what i wish... i have a quote from "middlemarch", by george eliot, which i've never read but i should -

"i have a belief on my own and it comforts me...
that by desiring what is perfectly good, even when we don't quite know what it is and cannot do what we would, we are part of the divine power against evil - widening the skirts of light and making the struggle with darkness narrower."

i like the quote cuz it comforts me. maybe that's too easy though. there's truth there cuz sometimes we don't know and can't do, but i just wish for more - from myself, from people, from the world. i admire what dan is doing and has always done, as long as i've known him.
in this small and humble way maybe i can help...here's hope...here's a starting point...here's good wishes...here's love and pride...

at the end of the day...me and a manhattan...thoughts and shit

[warning - lots of sharing...]

so i'm sitting here in front of the computer...drinking a manhattan...kinda tired but in a good way cuz we just played some good basketball tonight...we lost but it was a close game and anyway the team that beat us was 2nd overall last season, and are just plain better...i feel good cuz we played a good game and kept it close and made them work for it...i only dove for one loose ball...that's ok too...not as young and all that...still it felt good to hit the dirt and mix it up and steal one on heart and hustle...(maybe i should change the name of this blog to heart, handbasket, hustle, highway to hell...?)...and i made two big shots tonight too...two daggers from the top of the key..."he's not a threat - don't worry about his shot" they said...eat it hot shot!...paul steps back to create space...catches and drills one right between the eyes of the defender...nuthin but net...next play...paul steps back to create space...catches and shoots to bulge the twine one more time...no back board...no iron...just nylon...swish...i think i hit one or two more shots as well, but i also made some deadly passes in traffic to cutters who dropped in easy baskets...just put the ball ever so slightly ahead of the defender...drop it right into pete's hands...and right over mark's shoulder...that's basketball. i had no turnovers tonight...another accomplishment...hit about half my shots...made good passes...really pushed the ball up the floor on offence...and of course i played tough d. i earned this manhattan...and the beer that came before it...
i've been listening to the newish springsteen album, "devils and dust". the title song is awesome. so is "long time coming". a few other ones are pretty good too. this album is no "nebraska", or "darkness on the edge of town"...probably not even a "tunnel of love" (which might be growing on me despite the fact that i don't even have it..."brilliant disguise" is pretty awesome...) there's a verse in "long time comin" that i just love...kinda almost makes me cry when i told sarah about it

"out 'neat the arms of cassiopeia
where the sword of orion sweeps
it me and you rosie, cracklin like crossed wires
and you breathin in your sleep
you breathin in your sleep

well there's just a spark of campfire burning
two kids in a sleeping bag beside
i reach neath your shirt, lay my hands across your belly
and feel another one kickin inside
i ain't gonna fuck it up this time"

even though i didn't know this song when he played it at the concert, it was still awesome. of course everybody cheered when he said "fuck" but it was more than that. it's just good guts kinda writing. fuckin a.

bunch of older springsteen is in my ipod these days too. i'm so glad he got signed or famous or whatever despite the problems with his early writing...meaning he's too wordy sometimes...but fuck that... there's so much guts there...and blood too...maybe it's kinda cliched to describe it that way, but it's almost like he made the cliche...maybe he inspired that kinda description first and then it got overused by people who were inspired by him looking for some of that for themselves...he's tricky sorta...one of the things i appreciate from the boss is how he writes about hope. it seems like he writes about hope as something to break yourself against. works for me. seems like that's "born to run" in a nutshell, but also "darkness on the edge of town". actually "born to run" reminds me of tom waits "blue valentine" more than any other album. "born to run" is the rock version of "blue valentine".

i'm looking to make changes these days. been on anti-depressants for 3 months now. it's a good band-aid. gives me space from the hopelessness that depression can throw at a person. space to look at the future. space to plan. space to worry productively. space to wonder about something better than where i came from and something even better for sarah and i ... a family and a life - not just a living... it's been helpful. going to counselling once a week too. learning more about what's going on in here. apparently post-traumatic stress disorder too...the result of having to be afraid as a child, and a teenager, of my father. lots of things have been explained that i hadn't put together. i'm working on emotional management (a lot of anger and anxiety, but i'm an emotional and passionate guy so there's more to it...). my emotions have gotten me in trouble a few times in the last 6 months or so. almost lost some things, but i'm getting another chance. (never had to worry about losing sarah cuz she's one in million, and the best thing in my life, and she's helping. god i love her...) i'm hoping to get into a mindfulness program too (uses yoga and meditation techniques to help people be more in tune, in the moment, more mindful and aware, thereby reducing stress and anxiety levels...i'll explain more as i venture down that road.)

also starting to get the ball rolling on the wedding plans. we haven't decided yet on the where, but so far we know that the ward island clubhouse is available. still gotta check on the algonquin island clubhouse/montessori school, and maybe even the sunnyside pavillion(?)... we'll see. it's almost hoping that only one will be available (the cheap one) and then we won't need to decide but we'll see.

i'm also big on this song by Old crow medecine show called "wagon wheel"

"headed down south to the land of hte pines
i been thumbin my way outta north caroline
starin up the road
pray to god i see headlights
i made it down the coast in 17 hours
pickin a bouquet of dogwood flowers
and i'm a-hopin for raleigh
i can see my baby tonight

so rock me mama like a wagon wheel
rock me mama any way you feel
hey mama rock me
rock me mama like the wind and the rain
rock me mama like a south bound train
hey mama rock me"

it's just good and easy and sad in a good way...

oh man i've been pretty emotional lately, (in an i-cry-easy kinda way...) maybe it's my man-period. leads to lots of sharing or something... sorry bout that. i actually feel ok about the world...

oh dear.... i guess i've finished my manhattan...ooooh and pat walsh was next on the playlist...

"so many visions of amazement and wonder
so many sides to this paradise
i look at you standing beneath the clouds that we're under
and say 'goddam don't you look nice'
walk with me through the parks and the playgrounds
follow me through all the buildings downtown
i wear my shoes made of broken bottles
you can live up or live it down"

gavin - i wish i coulda talked to jerome more about writing and where i find poetry these days...he asked me if i was still writing and there's always more to say to good people i guess

jen - when does your book come out? and i wish we could talk too about where to find poetry, or beauty or truth or something

anyway, it's kinda late for me on a wednesday and i played my guts out more or less on the basketball court tonight so i'm gonna crash out now. missing those who aren't close by. thinking of everyone. hoping for good things. (and no i'm not drunk or anything - i'm a happy drunk remember...)

after the highlights

congratulations to gavin and karlene who got married on saturday at the algonquin island club house on the toronto islands!
sarah and i were lucky enough to attend their wedding yesterday. it was beautiful. i arrived early to help finish with the setup. the algonquin clubhouse is set on algonquin island (it's in the middle and north of the others...) a little ways away from any of the houses there. it's set close to the water facing the city. it's a nice view in the daytime, and ridiculously spectacular at night. the building is a nice simple room with a wood floor and lots of windows that doubles as a montessori school the rest of the time. there's also a nice simple patio with a tree growing out of it and a lawn leading up to the lake. the room itself looks like it could seat 100 pretty easily, cuz it's also got a couple alcoves and a bar area, with a full kitchen and washrooms. it was great.
i've known gavin and karlene long enough to know a lot of the other guests too, so i had some really nice reunions of people i hadn't seen for a long time, and i got to meet new people too.
karlene's family is wonderful. her dad brought some award-winning guyanese rum - 12 year old eldorado - that was astonishing. great. now i have another expensive taste to try to fit into my slim wallet. it's as nice as a really fine single malt scotch just a different flavour... if anyone is travelling in the carribbean it's a standing request of mine...(btw baldwin says that the 15 year old is better but not worth the difference in price...)
anyway, everybody came over to the island around 2pm, and there was some mingling and a little drinking and meeting new people. then it was time for the ceremony. gavin and karlene started by asking their parents to stand with them, then asked a lot friends to stand up with them too and witness with them and "hold them to it". i was very honoured to be asked to stand with gavin. it was really quite special, and something i hope sarah and i can also do. their ceremony was basically just vows they'd written for themselves, and they were both eloquent and heartfelt and beautiful. gavin lost his vows and had to work from memory. (when it became evident that this was the case, those of us standing witness for him exchanged a look and a nod. we were not surprised.) there was also a justice there to do the legal minimum, and he was very tasteful and discreet and after the ceremony he disappeared without anyone noticing. we were very busy ourselves toasting enthusiastically. of course i did shed a number of tears but i too was discreet.
after the toasting there was a cricket match arranged, more or less between the west indies and the world (karlene's side vs gavins). the stakes were playfully set at rights to the last name. gavin mootoo? karlene mclachlan? but not for true. although we weren't gonna let gavin down with bragging rights still on the table... of course the rules were radically altered to accomodate us cricket initiates, and for time constraints. i got to bowl and bat. i only managed one run, but i got high marks for my bowling...everybody kept asking how i knew about cricket, but i think i've only ever seen it on tv, in highlight reels very occasionally. but i guess i have an idea of how it's supposed to look and so i imitated it. actually it felt a little fun in a cocky sorta way to be able to say "oh i saw it on tv one time..." gavin's brothers, jerome and stephane were there for him too. ian mclachlan was very fond of repeating jerome's assertion that "it's ok if gavin changes his name but not cuz we lose". funny that jerome scored a game-high 7 runs and was named man of the match... so gavin doesn't need to endure any teasing about losing his name in a cricket match.
it was tons of fun to play, and it was also a nice sorta bonding experience to Play with all these people. that's another thing sarah and i are going to include in our wedding plans - but probably slow pitch...
then it was time for dinner and more great conversations and good food and more bonding and community building...actually that's maybe the best way to describe the day, and i guess how i want to think about our wedding too, as a community building experience....
after dinner the dj was set up and got things going but, i feel bad for the guy cuz really he couldn't compete with the beautiful weather, the beautiful sunset, the beautiful view, the beautiful setting or the beautiful people getting recharged off each other. it was a really special group of people gathered together, sharing drinks, food, conversation, expressing their support and their love for gavin and karlene. community building...hmmm...
we sat outside on the grass, on the steps, on the breakwater, under the trees, under the stars and the night passed. i really wish it could've lasted forever. i felt so good there. and i didn't even get to talk to everyone either. it's kinda backwards but i guess that's a good sign. it made me feel really good about myself and my people and sarah and our relationship and stuff... those moments are too rare, and oh so special. i wish i had better words.
we were really involved in the whole thing, and it was our privilege and we were honoured to do it. i got to tell them how much i loved them and how proud i was of them and how beautiful their wedding was and how happy i was for them. anything we did was only the least we could do.

it was also an example of how the best things in life can also make you realize how short life is ... or maybe more like they show you how good things can be, and motivate you to change in that way...it was inspiring. it's something i can hold onto when my certainty slips about career change and making a life. which happens more often than i want.

anyway, i'm sure i'll have more thoughts on this subject soon. for now it's dinner time, and we're eating some of the leftovers from the wedding...

i shoulda been in bed

i know it's early-ish in the rest of the world, but that 553am alarm call kinda hurts. so i'm pooped even though it's only 1042pm. sigh...

so a couple of thoughts or whatever

"poetry's no place for a heart that's a whore..." (martha wainwright...the song is called "bloody motherfucking asshole" and it's sorta pretty...more sad than angry...sorta ballady...i'm really liking woofus' younger sister...)

i finished the book about the hot chic and the stolen diamonds and the guy and the gangsters...it was pretty good actually. just good and short and easy.

i picked up guy vanderhaegheagheaghe's "last crossing". only just started it but it looks good.

somebody at work has an advance copy of the new metric album and it totally rocks. sounds amazing. lotsa rock and guitars on it. makes me happy.

i bought a nice new shirt for the wedding on saturday. the gap has been good to me lately with their clearance stuffs.

and some really good news - the first of the many nba preview magazines came out today...i'm only on page 7. i spend more money on basketball magazines from september to november than i spend on any other magazines combined for the rest of the year.

yup...that's all i got tonight. so i'm gonna go sleep now.

oh god i can't move...don't even mention anymore food

oh my god i can't move. don't even mention anymore food. we just got back from sarah's mom's house where we ate ribs, sausages, 3 kinds of salad (one with grilled shitake mushrooms and arugula...), drank some wine and then had a dufflet's chocolate and raspberry cake....exactly.
so it's been a little nutty round these parts.
we've had 2 of our best friends (gavin and karlene) staying with us for parts of the last two weeks. did i already mention that? they're getting married on saturday. they decided to get married here in toronto 2 months ago...in shanghai... they're a little stressed out. we're so happy about their wedding though. they're perfect. and/or crazy...
also i had a job interview today. for a job at indigo home office which it turns out i'd be perfect for. i did ok i think. i'm pretty sure i got to say everything i wanted to...gave examples and made all my points... just that maybe i wasn't sharp in the performance/showmanship aspect of interviewing. not that i think i botched it or anything. just wish i'd been sharper. oh well. i'm pretty sure that i won't lose the job based on that, or even a second interview. we'll see.
prodigal daughter is back too. (and if i knew better how to work stuff i'd be able to hot link "prodigal daughter" to the blog she goes with....) toronto just got better. i actually do have more enthusiasm...just that all my blood is around my belly...digesting...
yesterday was sarah's birthday. she's 32. also she started a job at the u of t bookstore. and next week she starts school. phew.
and we saw batman begins.
oh yeah, last weekend we went down to sunnyside beach around 830pm and we drank wine and hung out and watched fireworks. a very satisfying and nicely poetic kinda night. i hope to reproduce such niceness and poeticality in my life in the future.
i dont' have any deep thoughts these days. just busy living a temporarily busy life. can't wait for the wedding on saturday.
currently reading "sweet and vicious" by david shickler. about a hot girl, and a guy, stolen diamonds, and gangsters. fun and short and sweet.
that's all i got.
bye.